**LONG POST**

My husband works and I mostly stay home. When our daughter was born August 2016, he told me that I could be a stay at home mom, which I truly was for 7 months, (now I work two short shifts at the restaurant I’ve been at for 11 years), but now he tells me that he never said that. I find him putting me down more and more lately. I do a lot around the house, most things go unnoticed. It’s not sparkling all the time, it’s lived in, but clean nonetheless. I’ll admit there are some things I need to work on... cooking & laundry! I don’t cook as much as I used to, and I spend a lot of time chasing our almost 2 year old around and cleaning up after her that I get behind on laundry a lot. Some days I don’t even think to do it. He got mad when there wasn’t a clean towel in the house the other night after a shower, and came into the bedroom at 8pm, where our daughter sleeps in the bedroom next door, slamming the door shut and calling me worthless and lazy. He asked me what I do all day. This isn’t the first time he’s said it.

I did try a full time desk job in January that I just didn’t like, so I quit, and he still uses that against me. I should’ve stayed. Now I do 100 jobs all alone.

I may not be a trophy wife, but I’m always trying to be better. I can admit that I’m not perfect, but he never can admit his wrongs or apologize. He may provide, (not abundantly might I add), but he gets laid off in the winter for 4 months, and is lazy too! Sometimes he’s helpful around the house, but it’s rare. He never wakes up at night or in the morning with our daughter when he’s laid off. He did a couple times in the morning when I asked, but then once I wake up, he needs a “nap”. He’s a video game addict that would rather play than spend time with his family. He smokes pot behind my back and lies about it. He talks about my family, friends, everyone. Isn’t helpful to others the way he used to be as far as helping people move, giving rides, or helping fix things. He’s so negative! He doesn’t come to church with us anymore or do anything as a family. He’s not emotionally supportive. He doesn’t know how to communicate efficiently. When he was arguing with me a few months ago, he pushed me to the ground in front of our daughter, and won’t admit that he did it. This isn’t the first time he’s laid his hands on me. I left with our daughter for 2 weeks, and he never called and said to come home. He never calls when I leave. He doesn’t care. I came back because it was easier for me. He’s entitled. He’s a manipulator. He’s a narcissist and he thinks he’s God’s gift to earth. All the thinks of me are bad things & the things he says are really starting to cut deep.

The part that hurt the worst was we decided to try this month for another baby after our miscarriage in August of 2017. We had sex on all of my fertile days. He said to me “I hope you’re not pregnant. I can’t live like this. You’re lazy.” I was on this app when he said it, excited to possibly conceive. I’ve always worked until I had my daughter. I stay home because it’s nice to be able to raise her, and not pay for daycare. What do I do now if I am pregnant? I feel like it won’t even be exciting to tell him. I just want my daughter to have a sibling, and I’m 30 so I want to try now, but I’m not thrilled about having another child with him.

Maybe I am just a lazy piece of crap, whining about doing everything normal Moms do, but I shouldn’t have to feel unloved and worthless. I do try to make changes where I need. I’m always looking at how I can be better.

I don’t want a divorce because I made a covenant with God the day we made our vows, and I don’t want to break that. I try to give it to God. I pray and pray that he changes, but my optimistic and positive personality is being drained and I don’t want to end up mean and miserable like him. I keep sweeping things under the rug, and pretending like everything is ok, but this is just starting to take its toll.

What would you do?