I still love him

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about 4 months now but I met him in 8th grade (conveniently sat behind him lol) and we started dating our senior year. Everything was going fine and well. I was a virgin when I met him so things were kinda touchy about sex. Sometimes he pushed for it, and one day I pretty much planned losing my virginity to him, but plans got botched, so we went and spent time at a park. My genius idea was to just try a little bit and stop. He didn’t have a condom which influenced my decision to tell him to stop. I tried once, guess he didn’t hear me. Second time, no dice. I’m begging him to stop, and he’s saying “but why, it feels so good” and he didn’t. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror after. I blamed myself, sometimes i still do. I don’t know what to do now. Talking about bad decisions, I did acid after prom (I know, dumb me) and he was there to take care of me, trip sit me. At one point we were sitting on the couch and I was laying vertically while he was sitting down and there was a blanket on top of me. He took my boob out of my shirt and I said “babe, please respect my boundaries” and he said “it’s so much harder when I don’t” and all those memories came crashing down and my friend had to calm me down from having a panic attack. Every memory from that day felt so fucking vivid, like I was living it again. I don’t know what to do anymore.