When I was 11 years old, I was sexually assaulted. I could hardly remember it, and I still don't remember who did it. I swear, I have recovered from it. I don't get scared by sex, and the thought of being tied up and helpless is actually appealing to me. That's the thing that scares me. I'm scared of not being scared. I'm also bipolar type 1, and I'm hypomania; I'm even more horny than usual. I've been fingering myself at least once a day recently. I love porn. I fucking LOVE porn. I shouldn't, because pornstars are constantly being hurt. Especially in gay porn (the porn that gets me off the most). Why am I so attracted to something that could trigger bad memories at any time? I don't think it will, but my mom banned porn after she found it in my search history. It's really concerning to me that I'm not one bit worried about it.