this is about to be super long so apologies now

ever since I was young I’ve had interest in girls. I first noticed it in elementary school when everyone starts to develop their first real crushes. I had crushes on boys, but also kind thought a few girls were really pretty. but didn’t think anything of it, just thought those girls must be extra pretty to get me to notice it.

then in middle school when people started really being attracted to people and started going on their first dates I realized I was actually really attracted to girls. but I was raised in a church and always taught that being gay was wrong. so I struggled with it all through middle school.

then in high school i started having boyfriends that I was definitely attracted to so i kind of thought maybe i was starting to get over it. but no matter how much i tried to ignore it and focus on guys, i was longing to see what it was like with a girl. i’ve kissed a couple girls but it was just while playing high school games like truth or dare. to them it was just fun and we’d laugh about it but in my head i just wanted to keep going so badly. but i ignored it because of my family (my mom is now more supportive. my brother is gay. and my dad I don’t think ever really had an opinion. I just knew that going to church my mom would feel awkward because the entire church would be telling her it was wrong and I couldn’t put that on her. 🙄churches, amirite?)

anyways, at 17 I met a guy and fell in love with him. i’m 23 now, we are married and have an 18 month old. for the last 6 years I haven’t really had feelings for girls other than like finding female actresses really hot. but just hadn’t had that same deep longing. well over the last year it’s come back stronger than it ever has. it’s like it’s suddenly hit me that I still really really want to experience being with women, but I got married before I ever had a chance and now i’ll likely never get to. but i want to so badly. there’s just something about girls that i find so much sexier. any time i’ve ever watched porn it’s with girls. i find myself being more attracted to random girls that i see than random guys, get more turned on seeing two girls in movies and tv than a man and woman, even have sex dreams about women. i feel so confused. there’s so many questions and thoughts swirling around in my head. like, does that make me bi? like can I be bi with all of these strong feelings and desires even if i’ve never acted on them? my husband knows about my feelings. we’ve talked about the idea of a threesome but it seems too messy because we would need to make sure that it wasn’t someone we know or who knows anyone we know. and then the biggest issue we face with it is: what if I like it better. i’m still very much in love with my husband and love sex with him but what if it’s just better with a woman? or what if I start to want more with her? I know that there’s no simple answer to this and that I put myself into this situation. I guess i’m just asking for literally any opinions or advice. what would you do in my situation? would you just go your whole life wondering? would you try to make it happen and hope you either a. get over it after 1 try or b. get to have occasional threesomes with your husband? would you consider me bi even though i’ve never been with a woman, just very very strongly attracted to them? idk. just help me feel less alone 😔💙