This should have been my first as a mother. My first pregnancy ended early last year at 10w. My baby would have been about 8 months. Fast forward to the 2nd loss at 5w that came just before the first would have been due. And then at 13w in January I aborted number 3 due to anencephaly after multiple opinions confirmed there was no brain and missing parts of the skull.

I only cried for a moment when I woke up yesterday and then managed to enjoy the day with family (and dogs). But now...today...scrolling through all the Mother’s Day posts I can’t help but feel dark and empty and broken all over again.

We tried 1 assisted fertility cycle in March and when it failed I decided to take a break. We’re unofficially trying again and I hold my breath when my period is due trying to figure out if I want it to come. If I can handle what comes next, good or bad. The guilt for the handful of days I missed a vitamin bc it made me nauseous or I just plain forgot. The anxiety that no matter how perfect I think I’m eating and supplementing my body may just not be compatible with a healthy pregnancy. Maybe after 2 d&cs; I cant even get pregnant again?

I just hate Mother’s Day 😞