Self sabatoge and hating myself for it.

I always manage to screw myself... I do good all day with my eating, watching calories, carbs and getting my water... I walk at the very least 3 miles and at most (so far) 8 miles. And what do I do....? I come home from walking, and screw it all up by eating complete shit. 😣 Mind you, I've been struggling with my weight the past 3 almost 4 years. I'll get 10 or 15 pounds off, I'll get discouraged and go on a binge and put all of the weight I lost back on and then some. (mind you, currently I weigh 340 lbs...im 5'11) I've been to doctors, to try to understand why I do it....its like none can give me an answer other than, work out, have will power to say no, or have shoved everything but the kitchen sink doen my throat as far as medication that's made me an angry zombie. I refuse to be that way as I have a 3 year old and a family to tend too. I watch all these great people on youtube, see success stories, and think I can do it too...but clearly I can't with.... sabatoge....sorry for the rant...I'm just so angry with myself. This is the only place I can come without fear of judgement of people on my social media.