**********Major Trigger Warning********

I wasn't sure what group to post this in but this group seemed like the most appropriate one.

I was raped several times a week for most of my growing up years by several of my brothers. One of them actually got me pregnant when I was 13 years old. When I told them I had missed my period they got several pregnancy tests that were all positive. Then they spent that entire week beating the shit out of me. Beating me to the point that I was coughing up blood and I ended up having a miscarriage. I named my child Alex. I don't know if Alex was a boy or a girl but I honestly believe from maternal instincts that Alex was a boy and that's how I refer to my baby. Anyway that was the background on my story.

I got into this relationship with my now fiance and at some point throughout I told him about Alex. When I found out I was pregnant with mine and my fiances bundle of joy.... it really brought back a lot of negative emotion and guilt for me. I am now 16 weeks along. My fiance and I decided a while back that when referring to his 5 other children from his previous marriage that we would refer to them as our children not just as his children so that we can really be in the mindset of a family unit. Well in the process of this he adopted my Alex. I know it may not mean much to you ladies or it may seem weird when I say that my fiance adopted my child who was born way to early and never got to have the opportunity to meet my fiance....

But ladies let me tell you about my man's heart. He has taken the past couple of months to grieve over Alex with me as though Alex was his biological child. It has honestly been the first opportunity that I have had to grieve that loss and having my fiance there grieving the loss with me has allowed me to finally be able to really work through this loss. Alex would be 7 years old in July and having the opportunity to actually grieve the loss of my son has really allowed me to open myself in areas I didn't know even existed.

Mothers day ever since I was 13 has brought so much pain to my heart. So much regret and so much guilt. And now for once in my entire life I have someone by my side to help me get through this. I don't know why I wrote this other than to say that I am so so grateful for my fiance and for the way that he has taken my son (even though he's not living) into this family as his own. It breaks my heart that Alex never got to know his daddy (meaning my fiance).

Thank you if you stuck around to read this I know it was long and all garbled up but my emotions from this pregnancy have been all over the place.