Lost my baby - traumatic birth story.

On February 11th my beautiful daughter Eleanor Rose was born. I went into labor the morning of February 10th- I was 39 weeks. I had a midwife with me at my house and labored for a little over over 24 hours. The afternoon of the 11th my midwife suggested we go to the hospital as I wasn’t progressing quickly and my LO’s heart rate was becoming elevated.

We left for the hospital and during the 20 minute drive I was in transition. Screaming and sobbing the entire way there. We arrived and they wheeled me right back to L&D.; 8 minutes later I pushed out my sweet little girl. I saw her in the overhead mirror. She was blue. She did not cry. I did not get to hold her. They took her and bagged her and got her breathing. My placenta came out right away and they shouted that it had abrupted. The neonatal doctor came over and told me my baby probably had severe brain damage and needed to be life-flighted to Children’s Hospital. They took baby to the NICU. I barely saw her. I didn’t even get to touch her. She was 5lbs and 11 ounces.

The OBGYN said I was losing too much blood and had too many clots. She put her hand into my uterus to pull out a clot. It was very painful. My husband was with my daughter. I was alone and in shock. I passed out. I woke up a bit later. My daughter was leaving for Children’s Hospital. My husband was going with her. I never held her. I slept in the hospital room without my baby or husband.

The next morning they brought me a cake that said congratulations. I cried. I checked myself out of the hospital and left to see my daughter. I spent 8 days with her unconscious and on a ventilator in a NICU. They said she had hypoxic ishemic encephalopathy because of the placental abruption. They tried to save her brain by cooling her body for 3 days. Then they did an MRI and said that she had “global and catastrophic brain damage” and that she would likely not even breathe on her own.

They finally let me hold her with all the tubes. We spent a few days trying to say goodbye to her. On February 19th we took her off the ventilator and she died a few minutes later. The only time I really got to hold her was after she had passed away. Her father and I held her little body for about 30 minutes.

We left the hospital and drove the 2 hours home without our baby. We went to the funeral home the next day and planned her service. Everything has been excruciatingly painful. I feel like the whole world has turned gray and dark and cold. I never got to see my baby open her eyes or hear or cry. There are so many things I will never get to see her do. My heart is broken.

I never thought I would lose her. I had a healthy pregnancy. No complications. The doctors said placental abruption cannot be predicted or prevented. They are rare but very dangerous for mother and baby. Now I visit my daughter’s grave. There are no guarantees in life. Cherish every second with your babies.

Thank you for the reading. Because Eleanor died no one asks about my birth story, but I do have one, even though it’s extremely painful.

UPDATE: I am so blown away by the response you ladies have given me. I never expected so many kind and beautiful comments. Reading your words gave me a measure of comfort and peace and I am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to write me messages! ❤️❤️❤️