To my sweet little girl,

I’ve always pictured myself being a mom. My parents had their first kid when they were 23, and they had their last by the time they were 28. I thought I would get married young and start a family right away, but when I woke up the day I was 23, I was nowhere near wanting to get married and have a baby. I was dating your dad, and had been for almost 2 years, but I was still in college, about to embark on my student teaching experience. I had a lot of growing up to do before I could be your mom.

Your dad always knew I wanted kids. When we first started talking, I told him I wanted 4. At least 2 girls and 2 boys (and 2 dogs 😊) He didn’t want that many kids, and eventually talked me down to 3, then 2.

Well, pretty soon we got that first dog (Coda) and moved in together. It was almost 2 years after that we were engaged and bought our house on Knollcrest. I went back to school, we got married, and BAM our second dog (Twyla). I felt like I was living my dream come true, but there was something missing. Every time I saw another Pregnancy announcement on Facebook, my heart sank a little. I wanted my baby too. At the time, I was too busy teaching kindergarten and going to night class to have you.

As soon as I graduated I was ready to add to our family. It took some convincing, but we finally started trying for you after our 2nd wedding anniversary. Two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant!

We were nervous and excited! We started buying a box of diapers with each pay check. Your dad couldn’t wait to start on your room, and he prayed every night for a little girl.

In December, I started really getting everything ready to leave my classroom. You were due Feb 12, but, by mid January, I knew you could come any day. Was it going to be super bowl Sunday? Nope. Your due date? Nope. Valentine’s Day? Nope! At this point, I was over being pregnant and wanted you here! When I was 40+3, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I stayed late at school to get my classroom ready for my long term sub. When I got in my car, I just sat there and cried. I was so overwhelmed! I felt guilty leaving my class, sad you weren’t here yet, and to be honest, a little bit terrified of what was to come.

It was nice taking the day off. We got some KFC, went to see Black Panther, and I was able to take my mind off things a little bit. I still had no sign that you would be coming any time soon.

Your grandma and grandpa were planning on coming down that weekend, assuming you would have been born by then. I called and asked them not to come because nothing was happing.

WELL. That night, I was so uncomfortable. I was tossing and turning, and didn’t want to wake up your dad, so I went downstairs to sleep. I got up to go to the bathroom, and found my mucus plug was out. I started having contractions too! Your dad came downstairs looking for me, and I told him what was going on.

Your me maw had been staying with us that week, and was supposed to be leaving that day. We all went to ihop that morning, and I was trying to act natural. Finally we told her what was up. She desperately worked on changing her travel plans.

After that I had an appointment with Laura, and she told me you would be here THAT NIGHT. I called my parents, and told them maybe they should come in tomorrow, they told ME they were 20 minutes out of town, had picked up my sister, and had overnight bags 🤦🏼‍♀️

So I had to tell them. I had tokk tell them that I was planning a home birth. You were going to be born in our sunroom, and I already had the birthing pool set up. They took the news surprisingly well, but then just hung around the house. I don’t think they truly realized that I was in serious labor!

Laura came to the house in the afternoon. She said my contractions were still too far apart for anything to be happening. She came in the evening when the contractions were on top of each other, and I got in the pool. The warm water felt good, but the contractions were getting really strong! Laura and Jeremy helped me breath through them as Amy and Mom sat awkwardly and watched. Me Maw was in the guest room. My dad got a hotel.

Well this went on for HOURS. My mom and Amy went downstairs to sleep, Laura and her assistant fell asleep in the sunroom, and Jeremy and I tried our best to get some shut eye too.

You still weren’t coming. I passed 24 hours of labor and you still weren’t coming. I sat on the toilet, I did squats, and I marched up and down the stairs until I couldn’t move anymore.

“It’s ok baby, you can come out now,” I whispered to you with tears in my eyes.

Me Maw had to leave to catch her flight. She had come for a week so she could be here when you arrived, but you had other plans.

We made it to sunrise with you still tucked inside of Mommy. My water never even broke. That’s when Laura told me we might need to go to the hospital. She said we could wait until the afternoon, but she was concerned that I wasn’t progressing. I agreed to go, but I didn’t want to wait.

She had me try one more trick (pumping-it didn’t work) before I took a shower, packed our bags, and left for BroMenn.

We got to the hospital and I burst into tears. This is not what I wanted for our family. I wanted you to be born safely at home and for all of us to sleep in our own beds. I had no idea what to expect, but I was ready to get you out.

Laura sent my mom and Amy to get coffee while she went with me and your dad to our room. Dr. Gratsky came in and explained that he was going to break my water to get a heart monitor around you. As soon as the water broke, everyone went into panic mode. Things started beeping, people started shouting, and I hear Laura yell, “GET ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES!” I obeyed as quickly as possible as she pushed my head down to the bed. I had no idea what was going on, but all I knew is that I had to stay calm and take deep breaths to keep you safe.

Apparently your heart rate had dropped when the water broke, and they weren’t able to get the heart monitor around you. Mom and amy came back as everything calmed down. At this point, the contractions hurt so bad I could barely speak, and I was waiting for an epidural.

They came back for a second try on the heart monitor which felt like sending a lighting bolt up my vagina. This also failed,

so they strapped a heart monitor around my belly. Really. We couldn’t have done this in the first place?

After what seemed like FOREVER, I got my epidural around 11:00am. I had been having contractions for almost 36 hours. Now it was just a matter of waiting. They had given me pictocin to speed up the process. I couldn’t feel a thing. At one point a nurse put a big ball in between my legs and I laid like that for hours.

In my mind, I was trying to prepare myself for a c-section. At 5:00, there was still no progress, so they got us ready for surgery. As they wheeled me into the OR, I started crying again. The anastesiologist kept asking me why I was crying. I wanted to yell, “Really, dude! I planned a HOME birth, and now I’m about to have MAJOR surgery!!!!” I don’t know what I actually said.

It seemed like only seconds before you were out. I heard your cry, and then I saw you. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t believe you were actually my baby. They cleaned you off and got you to your dad who kept repeating, “I’ve never held anything this small...”

I remember looking at you in shock. I just couldn’t believe we had a baby. Everyone was being so casual. With Ed Sheron playing in the background and the doctors talking about their last game of golf, I wondered if I would ever get out of there.

When they were finally done closing me back up, they wheeled us to a new room. I heard the lullaby play for you, but nothing actually felt real.

I was disappointed about our birth experience, and to this day, it still brings a tear to my eye if I think about it too hard. But I thank God every day that we are both happy and healthy, and I pray every night that it stays that way. You are amazing my baby, and I will always love you. No matter what.