I’m feeling all of the things. In an instant, I’m completely broken.

I’m so so heartbroken right now. I was told today at the er that my pregnancy has failed, my body just hasn’t recognized it yet. My hcg was 14,000 on Friday. Should have been 28,000 today. It was 15,000 in reality. They did an ultrasound at my last er visit on Friday, and it was only an empty sac. No yolk sac, no fetal pole. I was sad then but was holding out hope. Today, that hope is gone, and a new emotion that I don’t quite understand has popped up. Anger. Not just anger, but rage. I want to scream and cry and throw things and just fuck. shit. up. Instead, I’m settling for sobbing uncontrollably in my car, with breaks of despondent, empty staring. I am not fucking okay at the moment.

My boyfriend is at work right now, 400 miles away and I just feel so isolated.

I’m scared too. I haven’t passed anything yet, and all the options just seem so damn heartbreakingly painful. I just don’t know how to cope with this... last week I was pregnant and excited and happy. Friday, I was scared but optimistic. Today....I can’t understand how I’m supposed to make it through this. I was only 6 weeks along. But I wanted this baby so bad. I had already emotionally invested my all into this baby...that is no more. Just like that. I feel like this is the sickest joke the universe/god/whatever has ever played on me. Today, I’m not okay. And I don’t know how I’ll ever get back to “okay”.