10pm. Went to bed. Comfy. Fell asleep quickly. All is well in the world.

2am: Wake up with excruciating need to pee. Zombie walk to the bathroom. Flip on the light and sit down to pee. Sees huge spider on wall next to door. Pees furiously at a rapid speed so I can get the hell out of here! I’m terrified of spiders, as is my husband, but he mans up and kills them for me when they invade our home. My hero. But he’s asleep so I won’t wake him up. It’ll be okay.

2:30am: Can’t sleep. All I can think about is the spider in our bathroom. Where is it? Is it coming after me? My feet are sooo hot but I’m too afraid to put them out of the covers... in case that makes them vulnerable to said spider.

3am: I’m too hot. Way too hot. Nausea is kicking in. I eat a cracker that I have next to the bed. I try to chew it quietly. It’s not working. Husband stirs. But he doesn’t wake up. Phew!

3:30am: I’m boiling hot and I need to throw up. But I daren’t go back in to that spider infested hell hole. I moan and flip over and over trying to get comfy. “Don’t throw up on yourself, don’t throw up on yourself.”

4am: Husband hears me moaning and asks if I’m okay. “*busts out in tears* No! I’m not okay! I need to throw up but there’s a HUGE SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM, I NEED MY PUKE BOWL FROM THE LIVING ROOM!!” (I have a bowl I carry with me in case I can’t make it to the bathroom)

4:30am: He’s gotten my puke bowl and I feel empty and much better. I’m eating crackers and watching my husband hunt mondo spider in our bathroom. He really is my hero.

5am: Monster spider is missing. He gave up the hunt. We’ve sealed off the bathroom. “Do not enter. Spider inside.” My husband is now wide awake, and I peacefully go back asleep... 🙈