at 5 years old I was way smaller than the other kids, my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than me.

most of the time I was stuck hanging out with the adults. my older cousin, 35 at the time, would baby sit us while my mom worked, (my mom took us away from our dad when we were way younger so he wasn't around).

well my sisters would always play with my older cousins and I'd usually hang out with my cousin while he played video games. well a lot of times we would spend the night. it started where he would ask me to lay in bed with him. he'd tell everyone that I'd have bad dreams and asked to. but I never wanted to. he'd make me let him in the bathroom while I pee, I started to hold my pee in till I Couldn't hold it any longer and some times I'd pee myself, he'd spank me for doing that.

one of the nights I peed myself he made me take off all my clothes and shower with him. I knew that was inappropriate so I told my mom what happened and he told her that, he wasn't in the shower that he sat in the bathroom to make sure I was okay. I cried because I remember, he was in the shower with me.

she still made me go there. she told me to "do what your cousin says, he is the one watching you".

"okay mom".

the first night back after that she ended up crashing at his house too, it was closer than our house and she was tired. he came in to the room I was sleeping and picked me up.

I pretended to be asleep so maybe he wouldnt make me take off my clothes again.

he took me to his room.

laid me on the bed.

and took my clothes off.

I woke up and asked if I could go sleep by my mom.

he said no.

he tucked me in and laid down next to me.

he put his hands on me.

I was five.

I started crying asking him to stop.

he touched me in places that made me cry harder.

he inserted himself into me.

I cried so hard.

no one came to help me.

I waited till he fell asleep and I went to tell my mom. I woke her and I told her what happened. she hushed me and told me to go back. she hushed me and told me to go back to the room and go to sleep and to not say another word or I'd be in trouble. for years I believed that I did something wrong, that what he did to me, over and over, was punishment for something I did.

Today, today I'm 20 years old and I help young girls who have been raped, molested and sexually abused.

Today I share my story.

**UPDATE**

thank you everyone for all the comments, I left my mom when I was 12, and moved in with a foster family. as I got older I talked to his kids, not him, and long story short he was also touching them. I helped them get to a place where they could talk about it and then to a court room. that was when I was 15, it took two years to get him behond bars for SIXTEEN counts of rape and molestation. he should of been behind bars for 99 years. We just found out he'll be getting out next year on good behavior and over crowded prisons.

The system has failed me, failed my sisters, failed my cousins.

it took months convincing them to come forward because I couldn't, it had been too long since it had happened for me. now, now our rapist can walk the street on good behavior.

thank you everyone for the comments and the nice words, if means a lot. I never got to share my story.

I wasn't the first, and I wasn't the last. if one someone heard me, I could of have been the last.