A little over two years ago my husband and I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and I had to have a d&c.; This was our second baby and we really didn’t say a lot to our son about what happened. At the time he knew that mommy was going to have another baby but didn’t really question it when it didn’t happen. Since then we have had another beautiful baby boy. But still don’t speak about what happened to either of the boys.

Fast forward to tonight driving home in the car, our four year old without prompting says “Is baby ash our baby too?” (We didn’t know the sex of the baby yet but we did name them baby ash) It just shocked me and broke my heart. It came out of no where. So we tried to explain to him the best you can to a four year old that yes baby ash is our baby but that Jesus needed him in heaven.

My husband and I have actually have a pretty rough time every spring when the tulips are blooming and have been talking about getting tattoos of tulips because every time we seen them they remind us of baby ash. (We took tulips to their grave side service) and tonight just seemed like a little message from God that he is in control and that our baby is in the best hands imaginable and he is taking care of them.

I’m sorry if I sound like a hot mess and like I’m rambling. I can talk to my husband freely about this but I have a hard time speaking to my family about it. I’m hoping by just sharing my feelings with others it will have a bit of a freeing affect.