cheating and commitment (it's a long one)

So I may get some crap over this. But I don't care.

My bf and I got together April 2017. We've known each other for pretty much our entire lives. He chased me for a few years off and on. I never once gave in. In that time he ended up having two beautiful, funny, stubborn, sh*t head boys. (And I say that with so much love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️)

I finally gave in. I told him one date. One date. That's it.

And I ended up falling in love with him then.

Before we actually made it official with titles of bf/gf, we talked. We talked and talked and talked. Yes some of those questions were the favorites: colors, food, hobbies, etc. But it was mostly about his kids, our goals in life, our fears, our insecurities, and even deep personal things like my past of being abused and how he felt growing up after his father died when he was 7. The things that actually matter.

Everything was pretty damn perfect. Within the first month I pretty much moved in with him. I worked an hour and a half from home and his place cut that down to an hour. I already was spending all my extra time with him and I would fall asleep anyhow so a drawer was started.

Then a few months into the relationship... I got a message from a girl I had met only a few times when I was hanging out with my cousin's gf. Asking if he and I were still together or not. Of course my stomach DROPPED. Hard and fast. The guy that I had fallen for and knew without a doubt I'd grow old with was cheating on me.

She sent me screenshot after screen shot of his profile, posts, and his messages to her on a "dating" app called MeetMe. I knew he had a profile before we got together and he deleted it in front of me during one of my moments of insecurity to prove he was serious about not using it and serious about me.

They had the simple "hey what's up- not much you" starter and then he asked if she was single. She said "yes?" And he said "is there anything I can do to change that?" And that's when she said "aren't you dating Allie?" (Which is what I go by mostly)

And then he blocked her and that's when she sent me screenshots.

I stayed with a friend that night. He didn't know that I knew already. I pretty much ghosted him for hours before the wine kicked in and I sent him the screenshots. And that's when the "I'm sorry"s started. I told him actually very calmly that I needed space. That he tore me apart. He knew what I'd gone through before. Brought up the fact that he deleted the app for me in front of me to make me feel secure. I let my friend tear into him as well.

The next day, I went to work and then went to his house so we could talk like adults. Basically it was all I'm sorry I f'ed up blah blah blah. Basically and I'm not sure how. In that moment something took over me. I chose to love him. Not leave him. That's not to say that I was happy with what he did. I was still crushed. That didn't mean that I was going to trust him for a long time, and to this day I still have shadows, but getting together we both agreed that we'd be committed to each other. And I know that love isn't always enough. But I committed to this relationship.

I told him that. Every thought that was on my mind. And ended with telling him I was committed to figuring this out and fixing us.

And we did. Like I said I still have shadows in my mind, especially when I was pregnant with our son and didn't feel attractive.

Today, we have our own apartment, a dopey dog, an angel son, his sons (my bonus boys) and talk of marriage and future babies.

Not every relationship is salvagable. But if both of you are honest and willing to commit, you'd be amazed at what things could turn into.