Anyone out there?

For 8 years I have diagnosed with major depression. Every once in awhile I will have a bad day or I run out of my pills and forget to go to the pharmacy to get my new ones. Since my boyfriend and I have been together in the last 3 years, I have had 5 days like that. Today was the firth and the worst.

I have recently lost my grandpa. He was my one and only grandpa so a you can imagine, it’s been tough. In the last week, I have been out of my pills and have had some tough days. I usually keep to myself and not let anyone know anything. I don’t like bothering others with my problems.

Side note: boyfriends knows about my depression and is aware how long I’ve had it and everything.

Today I broke down. I had a horrible day and have been feeling like the worst in the last few days. I grilled dinner and I tried something new well it didn’t turn out so good. My boyfriend said the asparagus wasn’t done enough so he put in the oven to cook longer and then he told me that he was trying to save the toast and mozzarella sticks I messed up. I’m not sure why but I decided I was done. I went upstairs to our room and just cried. He came up and got upset with me. First thing that came out of his mouth was, “what’s wrong with you now?” I just stared at him and said “I’m fucking depressed and today’s a bad day.” He asked if I’ve been talking my pills, I said no. I ran out and haven’t had the time to get the new ones. He got more pissed and said well find a way and get some. Take your ass the ER if you have to. I just cried more and stared at him dumbfounded.

You guys, this is the man that I have loved way before we were dating. I want to marry this man and raise children of our together, we just bought a house together last year! So when he said this, my heart broke more.

I have tried to commit suicide twice and thought about it more than I count on my hands. So I really thought, yea why not go to the ER and never come back, I’ll be gone and out of both of our hairs.

What stopped me? The one reason why I vow to never leave this place, my nephew.

An hour passed and now I’m high. We’re both high and he says to me in our kitchen, “I love you even when you pull this shit. I deal with it because I love you.” I looked at him and said “I love you to and I never told you, you had to deal with it.” He said “well I do deal with it and its because I love you but it needs to stop.”

.......

Stop. Stop. Stop......STOP WHAT? MY FUCKING DEPRESSION?! MY HORRIBLE FUCKING DAYS?! MY THOUGHTS OF WANTING MY LIFE TO END?!

How the fuck am I supposed to stop that? All the thoughts? The images? The emptiness I feel every day?

Not sure but I’ll figure it out, right? Now I’m more upset than I was before.

I love this man more than anything, he’s done more for me than anyone, he’s shown me things and made me feel things I have never felt before so, why do I feel like if we weren’t together, he’d be better off without me? Why do I feel like he’s done with me and my shit? Why?

Are we just poison now? Do we love each other but also hate now? We can’t do breaks, it’d break us....I don’t want to leave him and be done with each other. I want to grow old with him and yell at are grandchildren together because they’re being to damn loud. Why do I have this feeling?

I can’t imagine my life without him.

I’m sorry for a long post but I just needed to vent. It feels good typing this up. Im not expecting any responses. I just really want to get this out of my head.

💚