Husband cheated. We want to fix things but says I can "break even." Should I?

Question

So, here is the story, my husband cheated on me. I know everyone's first thought is to just leave him....but we have been together for almost 8 years and married...not even a full 3 months yet. His now ex roommate dumped his girl friend and left the apartment, like 5 minutes after he left she came down stairs and supposedly pressured my husband into sex and basically grabbed him by the D and lead him to the bedroom. She went after him so she could sneak in his room and sleep there at night because she would have been other wise homeless...I saw a few of the texts she sent him before and after they had sex the first time and it all backs up what he told me...the next day they had sex again because she blackmailed him. I even saw the text "Come meet me at my car and F*** me or I'm telling them." "Let me in the apartment, I need to shower before work. Don't make me tell them." The 3rd day he refused to let her back in the apartment or go to her car and have sex again, so of course she told me and his roommate. I'm not at all justifying what he did...he hurt me so badly. All he had to do was say no the first time or tell her to leave and it wouldn't have happened....but in the end we are seeing a marriage counselor and we are trying to work it out.
I've repeatedly said it's hard for me to even try to get passed this when I feel like I'm the only one suffering for this. Sure he has the guilt to carry....but I feel like no matter what I do I lose here. If I leave, I lose. If I stay, I lose. I want to go, but I really want to stay too. And so...he says why don't I "break even" and go sleep with someone else...but I know how wrong that is. Could our relationship survive 2 affairs? It really would make me feel better, but I know how badly it would hurt him and it's just so wrong and spiteful...but at the same time...it would make me feel better.....but if I was going to do that then why not just leave him? I'm so tired of always being the one to get burned and just once I would really like to burn them back....I'm so lost I don't know what to do.

Accepted Answer

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Answer

LEAVE... he’s making excuses for his affair and you’ll never be able to trust him again. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or married he still broke your vows, your trust and you deserve better.

Answer

breaking even wont help anything. You'll just feel worse. I know you dont want to hear this but it will be said over and over on here....leave him. It may seem tough, impossible even, but things WILL work out for you. Put yourself first. You mentioned you cant get past this which is understandable. He could have said NO and slapped her hand away from his junk but he didnt. He chose to cheat on you from the get-go and if it is true that she blackmailed him then thats what HE has to deal with. He stepped out of the boundaries of marriage and betrayed his wife for a few min of sex with a scorned/spiteful woman. Do yourself a favor and move on....the damage has been done. Find a true partner who wont ask "how high?" when another woman says "jump." There is absolutely no excuse for what he did. Period. The loss will be temporary, be positive as hard as it may be. You WILL  get through this!

Answer

Nope. He's telling you that because it will make his adultery almost invalid. If you both cheat, you're both in the wrong. Don't cheat.

Answer

I've been in situations where I could have easily cheated, but I didn't. This leads me to believe cheaters basically lack self control and discipline. And based on that, once they do it, it'll happen again because all it takes is one temptation they can't deny. I wouldn't "break even" because I know deep down I just wouldn't be able to live with it. But if this is something that you think will fix your marriage, then do it. Just think and look hard into possible regrets and outcomes in the future you could end up having whether you decide to stay, leave or even out the playing field. You're already stronger for even entertaining the idea of staying and making it work because I know my pride wouldn't let me. Best of luck :)

Answer

Do not go out and sleep with someone else. That won't fix it. Cheating on a cheater, even with "permission", is not a healthy solution. He should have said no to this woman from the start - he is in charge of his penis and if he didn't want her grabbing it, he should have walked away. He should not have caved to her threats either. He should have ended it with her and told you before she had the chance.
Take sex off the table for now and focus on the marriage counseling. It will take time to get past this and he needs to realize that he acquiesced to the cheating. He could have said no from the get-go, but he didn't. It is beyond immature of him to suggest that you go out and sleep with someone else to even the score and he is only doing it to try and assuage his conscience. It won't work. He needs to man up and face the consequences of his actions. He's not a victim, he just didn't want to get caught. I applaud you both for trying to work through this and I sincerely hope that he  abandons the idea of you getting with someone else and takes the counseling and your marriage seriously.

Answer

no, doing that will just make you feel bad about yourself.

Answer

He won’t change , it will just happened again, he will now have something to hold over your head if you do the same, trust is broken, once was bad enough but the fact that he couldn’t stand his ground the second time!? You are being naive and he is getting away with it!

Answer

I'd say you having an affair at his suggestion is a ploy from him to absolve himself of the guilt. He's not taking responsibility for the affair by saying she grabbed him. It's a manipulation tactic to get any amount of sympathy from you and now he wants further ammo by convincing you to have an affair. You teach others how to treat you by showing them what you'll put up with. If it were me I'd show him the door. Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck hun

Answer

I think your marriage is already dead so do whatever makes you feel good. He is just trying to let it be even so he doesn’t have to deal with you and is willing to let you get fucked to do it. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, he is just trying to make things easier on him.

Husband cheated. We want to fix things but says I can "break even." Should I?

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