I had 11 miscarriages before my DS was born, one in between him and his brother, and have had 6 since. Fast forward and now I have been ttc for a year with no luck. My 2 beautiful sons were conceived with my abusive ex, the 11 losses happened with the ex before the abuser. I know it's insane but I almost feel as if God gave me my 2 boys as a means of making something beautiful from something so ugly, and they are what gave me the strength to leave. In every other respect I am so incredibly happy, I never knew love like what my husband and I share. I gained a third son through this marriage and adore him as well. However, I can't help the tears, and hurt. Just once I want to experience the full joy of creating a life out of love, seeing the man you love hold his newborn, going through the process of bringing a new life into this world WITH a partner who's excited too! I know I should just feel blessed to have my 3 gorgeous boys but I ache, if that which defines womanhood is the ability to create life what does that make me? I could only do so during a marriage that included rape and death threats and ended with protection orders and formal charges. Am I just broken? God, it feels so.