Sooo over this ttc thing

I have a ds that’s 14 and me and my guy been together for about 10 years an we’ve been ttc for 9 years I finally got my BFP October 30th 2017 and had to have a d&c; November 22nd the day before thanksgiving 😢 and af came back December 29 then January 29th then one in February but no af in March but one in April and May now I’m on cycle day 40 and 12 days life but I have been spotting since the 7th of June af was due in the 2nd according to glow I jus feel like I never gonna get my rainbow 🌈 baby and all these negative test are starting to take a toll on me so I feel I should just give up an maybe stay off of glow and just mark af in my phone it’s a beautiful thing to see ppl get there BFP but then I get to think that’s never gonna be me I have a doctor appointment next month I hope everything is ok with me but I really feel like all hope is gone!!