In May 2017 I got engaged to my high school sweetheart. In September 2017 we got pregnant after we had a miscarriage the month before. We haven’t always had a wonderful relationship. We struggled even when we were kids, but hey, we were kids. We were together when I was 14 and he was 15. Stayed together for 3 years and then broke up. 6 years went by, and we reconnected. It was AMAZING! We picked up like we never ended. He was living in Maryland and I was back home (NYC), and so we would both go back and forth, visiting each other and rekindling our old flame.

Now, the “amazing” only lasted for a little while until we started to have some minor problems again. But for he and I, we were worth all the work and effort we could ever put into each other. We planned our lives together and despite any issues we had, none were ever big enough for us to not work through. Little did I know, there were more issues than I could imagine. I suppose I always ignored the signs..

On April 14th, 2018, I had an emergency c section because my son was laying on the umbilical chord. After a very stressful labor and delivery, I gave birth to a beautiful boy, 7 weeks early. He spent 2 and half weeks in the NICU. My fiancé was great during that time. We put up with a lot and was wonderful during my delivery. Such a rock and good supporter. But it didn’t take long for him to start complaining about me being sad over the baby being in the NICU or me having post part in symptoms. A week after the baby comes home, we were getting ready to go out to see his sister perform in a school show. My mom was going to watch the baby. He left his phone unlocked on the bed (and part of a problem we had was his secrecy with his phone). So of course, I enter. Boy...the things I saw.. pictures of his dick being sent to a woman in another state...videos of him jerking of with his hospital bracelet on (from the NICH)...and all of those pics were either him laying in our bed or in our bathroom.

Needless to say I kicked him out. He left without a word, no explanation, nothing. And of course, when he finally decided to say something, he blamed me because I didn’t listen to what he needed from me in our relationship. And he admitted to be speaking to this woman, since January..after a previous argument we had.

Since then, my whole life has gone up in flames. He tried to take the baby..He has taken me to court for visitation claiming that I am abusive, verbally and physically. When I filed for custody after that, he was the angry one. He had a record and we know that he won’t be getting the things he’s requesting from a judge. Especially when his past involved a domestic abuse accusation from an ex girlfriend. When we went to court and the judge wanted to give him supervised visitation, he flipped out. The next day, there was a video of me and our son on Facebook and instagram (from the day he tried to take him), and a long caption saying horrible things about me. Telling people I won’t let him see his son because I’m bitter that he doesn’t want to be with me, and watching strangers comment about how I’m a “petty bitch”, a “little girl”, “immature”, a “bad mom”, and so much more. A week went by and I guess he realized he wasn’t getting anywhere by being hurtful, and decided to come to me. Of course he whispers sweet nothings..telling me he loves me..and forgives ME for taking things this far, but that the court doesn’t care about our son and he doesn’t want things to be more “misconstrued”.

I’m writing this for a couple of reasons. One, to vent. It’s been hard to be the one who has to sit back and let the court handle things. I also have a lawyer and she advises that I do not react to anything my ex says. Plus, there are a ton of amazing and supportive women on here. Two, because I read another post from another woman who was being cheated on her whole marriage and is also currently expecting. It broke my heart to see that there are more men than I would expect to be doing such horrific things to their “families”. And three, because it took me 8 years, an engagement, and a baby, to realize I am a victim of abuse. I have spent so much time being manipulated because I saw something good in someone. Bc all the “little things” I didn’t think were worth fighting about or leaving him for, in fact were. I even ignored small amounts of aggression towards me (yelling, physical force no matter how small). And because now, when all is said and done, and we are no longer together, I am witnessing the lengths an evil person will go to hurt someone and still turn around and say “I love you”. People will say I’m stupid for staying with him so long, but I am a child of divorce and a previous victim of abuse. And to me, he seemed like the best thing that had ever happened to me. A child with a man I loved? Wow. But he didn’t love me. And it took me too long to realize, it wasn’t love he was giving me, it was only love he was taking..

I suppose the hardest thing is going from having a family, to being alone. To no longer having someone to lay with and kiss goodnight, to hold you when you’re sad, to help with the workload of having a newborn. You can plan your whole life and in an instant it can be gone. To all the women questioning what “enough” is, it’s enough once you feel like you have to question your just judgment for forgiving someone. It’s enough once you feel like YOU are not enough. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to endure, and I want every woman who has suffered this way to know, it gets better. I have been telling myself that every day, and even though some days it doesn’t feel that way, I have to believe that. ESP for my son.

We are resilient. ✨I love you all.