I'm going through a  LDR break up. I had just returned home from visiting him when my ex bf started mistreating me. Overtime it got worse and amounted to emotional abuse. It took a toll on me and I started to lose weight and had anxiety because of his behaviour. I was stressing and worrying about him.

He said he was going through a tough time and that was the reason for him mistreating me. He never tried to change his behaviour or own up to it. He just continued. Talking to him became impossible because he dismissed it or just didn't say much. I knew it had to be more than just his depression because his behaviour said alot more than that. He often said he didn't feel like dealing with people and his sister did say that he was being moody with her too. As far as I know I didn't do anything for him to mistreat me.

I'm ashamed to say this but I snapped with his behaviour. One day he ignored me when I texted him and he was on Instagram and didn't respond until hours later. I was angry so I downloaded a fake texting app and starting texting him saying that I didn't deserve to be ignored and why he was being like this. I told him that's not how you treat people and just vented alot about how he treated me. I went overboard and did this with various apps over a period 5 days. I eventually stopped and asked God for forgiveness because I felt so bad and it didn't feel right.

My ex asked me about it and I denied it and because of that he changed his number. I denied it for a long time until he put two and two together and broke up with me. I felt free because I didn't have to deal with his behaviour anymore but also bad that I allowed myself to get so crazy instead of walking away. I just didn't wanna give up on him with his situation despite the abuse. I wrote him a letter explaining why I did it and confessed that it was me because I was still denying it. I apologised profusely. He read the letter and didn't say anything besides that he didn't hate me, he didn't have luck with people and he just wants to be left alone.

I did leave him alone but a week later I told him that I hated him for how he treated me and that I would leave him alone since he wanted that. I blocked him and deleted him from SC but he messaged me for my bday although I didn't open it.

I'm having a hard time though with all of this. His behaviour before I went crazy broke me and crushed me. I feel worthless, rejected, not good enough etc. I'm wondering why he couldn't be honest with me instead of putting me through so much pain. I keep having flashbacks or I would see or hear something and that triggers me and I get sad and upset. I've cried on numerous occasions. I keep overthinking about what I did or didn't do for him to switch up on me and I can't help but wonder if he's moved on already. In hindsight I remember God telling me that he wasn't the one for me but I still held on and I know that's my fault. I also realised some red flags that I ignored and some toxic behaviour I should have walked away from. But despite all that I can't help but think about him what he's doing who he's with and all that. I blocked  him off my social media so we're not in contact but there were a few times I unblocked him just to see what he was up to and I got sad everytime because he looked so free and happy.

I don't know what to do. Some days I'm good and others I'm not. I know I need to let go of him but it's so hard when I was really invested. I left some clothes by him that he's yet to send and I'm wondering if he threw them away or if he's waiting on me to message him about them. I don't plan to but I'm hoping he sends them. His mom still talks to me and I've started therapy to help me cope but it's so hard. I feel empty like there's a void in my heart. I feel like he really doesn't care about what he did which makes it worse. I just need some prayer to help me move on this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I've been praying alot so it helps but I would like some from you guys. Thank you for reading 💗