Now I don’t write much about myself, nor did I ever intend to post this, but I’m struggling and need some help. Help I’m too afraid to ask for anywhere else. Nobody personally knows I’m going through this nor do I necessarily want them too. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for a couple years now, undiagnosed. It was difficult in high school, but now that I’m on my own and in college. It has become much worse. The suicidal thoughts linger as I desperately cling onto the little I have. I barely have money to pay bills, I have no friends, and I struggled the entire time in school. Ive even moved cities which has made everything worse. I’ve been in bad relationships during this time. I’ve dealt with everything from abusive, cheating, and at one point a guy telling me he loved me and then never spoke to me again. I feel as though no man will ever want me or to love me the way I wanna be loved. Now, I am here because with these issues I’ve struggled with my weight. I used to be borderline anorexic with my eating habits. Anything under 1,000 calories a day, and working out constantly. Running. Whatever I had to do to be “skinny”. As time passed I was getting better. No more counting,less running, and more into adequate weight lifting. My only current issue now is low self esteem and lack of confidence. I cover up my anxiety towards my weight with men by using laxatives,barely eating, and exercising when I have the energy since I work full time every day at my custodial job. This leads to binge eating if I know I’m not going to be hanging out with the current guy I’m with since I’ve been starving all day waiting to see if he wants to hangout. I just need some help, how do I stop these thoughts, the thought of what if he thinks I’m not skinny enough, I’m too fat, or what if his past SO was smaller? I know the laxatives can have a long term damaging effect, just seems as though that doesn’t bother me. Im too afraid I’ll be bloated around him. Also, the guy I’m with never has mentioned anything about my weight but he is built differently and is on the skinnier side. I’m not too overweight, about 5’6” and roughly 160 lbs give or take. I’ve been labeled as “curvy” I just worry. It’s not healthy what I’m doing. With everything altogether. Please anything helps❤️