Wait a minute, I’m missing out.

It’s a Friday evening after a long work day, long week really, mm, long few months, actually, close to a year if I really think about it. See here is the thing, trying to have a baby is an incredible experience, an incredibly exciting, but overwhelming, defeating, terrifying, frustrating experience. We started trying 10 months ago right after we got married. Like everyone else I find it hard to focus on my day to day because I’m baby distracted. So much so that TTC has become a very negative experience for me, especially since my miscarriage three months this ago. My life revolves around it. Every minute that I’m awake, in my dreams, while I eat meals, as I’m trying to be a productive employee at work, while I watching my nephews, when I watch tv with my husband at night or snuggle into his arms to fall asleep. I realized that I’m missing out! Now let me just say right here this was not a decision I made by flipping a switch because I’ve tried to stop thinking about it and it’s not that easy. It’s not at all. This month I got so depressed that I said if I’m not pregnant, I need to take a break from tracking and counting days and peeing on tests and scheduling my life around fertile days. Spoiler alert, I didn’t get pregnant. A part of me wanted, and still does want, to dive back into all of those things that might increase my chances of having a baby, and honestly, I still might, but for the time, I’m not counting days. I don’t know when my fertile days are this cycle because I haven’t looked yet (I do know I’m not there yet though as af didn’t end all that long ago) I might look in a few days, tomorrow, tonight, who knows. Right now though I’m enjoying a bubble bath, with music, fantastic music. I love baths. For the last ten months, baths I’ve taken have consisted of researching everything pregnancy and following glow like an addict, but tonight, I decided not to look at my predicted fertility date, for now, not to bring up google, or open glow. (Yes I’m on glow now, to write this post, yeah I might keep looking around later tonight but once I’m done writing this I’m going to close it out for now and keep enjoying my bath.) Here’s the reason I’m writing this. I’m relaxed. I’m singing. I feel like a weight is even lifted. I KNOW it’s hard to turn off baby thoughts and planning. However, when you get overwhelmed TTC, try to take an evening off from baby thoughts if you can, or an hour, or ten minutes. Do something you love. I realized I hadn’t just enjoyed a bath in so long because even baths turned into an opportunity to think about TTC. Give yourself a break here and there. You don’t have to give up on trying. Don’t give up! Don’t give up on the things make like great either though. I was feeling like I had no purpose outside of having a baby. I still very much feel like my life revolves around having a baby but I really needed this little mental recharge where I did something I enjoyed and took a mental break from babies. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t done something so simple as singing in the bathtub in so long, until I did it. If by some small chance you’re still reading I just want to say, let yourself take small breaks, your sanity depends on it. Just take a break from trying for a hour, for however long you need, however long you can here and there. You don’t have to give up on trying or miss your opportunities but life doesn’t have to stop. I don’t want to look back at my first year married and remember only an overwhelmed, depressed version of myself while my husband and I waited for a baby. I want to remember being happy and singing in the bathtub without the glow app glued to my hand, and without tears rolling down my cheeks while I scroll past other people’s positive tests. Wishing you ladies all a great moment of sanity however big or small it may be, but find it and enjoy it!! Hoping you all find and reclaim your singing in the bathtub moments as well! ... and of course, I wish you BFP’s and healthy babies. 😘