I originally wasn’t planning on even writing this. I don’t want to be judged as a parent or a person. But I don’t know who else to go to without feeling like a horrible mother with a son who hates her.

I had my son, Roscoe, when I was 18. My parents disapproved and the baby daddy left for college and never spoke to me again. So I raised my baby boy as a single mother. He turned 17 a few months ago, and though he used to be a mamas boy he now blames me for the death of his two year long girlfriend.

Let me tell you how this happened, so I can explain to you and so I can wrap my head about this incident that only happened two weeks ago.

My son received two F’s on his report card, so I naturally took away his phone. Luckily he goes to a charter school so they told him he could retake the classes online over the summer. We made a deal that he would get his phone back when he finished those classes and got a better grade in both. (I never went to college and it’s one of my biggest regrets, so I’m really strict when it comes to school because I just want him to have to education I never got and to be able to follow his dreams and goals for the future.)

He wasn’t happy with this of course, but he knew that I did it with good reason. About a week into this, his girlfriend Sienna calls me. She sounded panicked and anxious, but I didn’t know if it was because she had to call me first or girl trouble or that she wasn’t been able to talk to Roscoe for a while. I loved Sienna and I knew she was amazing for my son, but I could never read into her very well. She was always a mystery to me and I was worried about her family life from the small slips out of Roscoe, but I stupidly ignored the red flags. I gave the phone to my son and minuted later he begged me to borrow my car and go pick her up, that he’s worried about her but she won’t tell him what’s wrong.

I knew that my son needed this and I would feel like a horrible mother if I said no, so I agreed and handed over the keys when he finished his summer work for the day, which took about 20-30 minutes. She only lived ten minutes away so I knew he’d be back in twenty-five. So I watched him drive away.

An hour later he still hadn’t returned and Siennas phone went straight to voicemail. I started to worry, reassuring myself that her phone is dead and he probably ran out of gas or they lost track of time and he was comforting her there instead of at our house. But I felt like something was wrong, I suppose it was a type of mothers intuition. So I went to the neighbors, who had become a close friend of mine over the years, and asked her to drive me to Siennas to check on the kids.

When I got the street, my stomach dropped. Siennas driveway was cluttered with police cars and ambulances were driving away towards the hospital.

I saw Roscoe immediately, he was covered in blood and standing on the sidewalk with a police officer sobbing. I jumped out of the car and ran to him. I had no clue what happened.

He stayed quiet until we got him, he was constantly crying but wouldn’t answer me until finally he spoke. He said that when he got to the house. He said when he got there she wouldn’t answer the door but no cars were there so he let himself in. He found her in the kitchen, beaten by her father to a bloody pulp. He said she was covered in bruises and blood. Her phone was completely destroyed and he didn’t have one, so he had no way of calling 911. It took him twenty minutes until one of the neighbors opened the door and let him borrow a phone.

He says that if I didn’t take his phone away that he would have been able to call the police sooner and they would have been able to save her. Or that if I let him go right away he would have gotten there before things got out of hand. He blames me and the choices I made that I thought would make me a good mother.

I lost my son. He doesn’t talk to me and fell into a deep depression. He tells me he hates me, that it’s my fault. I don’t know what to do. I lost my baby boy and I feel like a terrible mom. I can’t do anything to help him and am at a loss for the poor baby girl who I could have saved even before the night. I feel guilty and heartbroken. I lost two people in one day...

Rest in piece Sienna...

November 18th, 2001 - June 9th, 2018