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I'm sorry you're going through this. I grew up not knowing my dad, either. I also have a sister (same dad), and a brother with a different dad. I watched my mom make lots of poor decisions, especially regarding men, when I was growing up. I used that as an example for what NOT to do in my own life. My sister still struggles with relationships. I was blessed to meet an awesome man long ago, and we've been married for almost 16 years. It's really hard to feel safe and confident when you feel so broken and lonely. Don't be afraid to open up to someone you know and trust, or seek professional help if necessary. Writing can also be a great outlet for all those thoughts and emotions.
Sleepless Nights
Almost every night I lay in my bed and just stare at the walls around me. My head just run wide with thoughts about what has happen. What going to happen. I'm scared and feel lonely. In the day time I put a bright smile on my face tell all my friend and my mom I'm perfectly fine, but at night when I'm alone I fall apart. I would tell my mom but she already has enough stress. My sister she in collage and struggles with serious depression thanks to our so wonderful crap farther. Then there's my brother who's for some reason hate my mom at the moment. I really want to talk to someone about this stuff in detail. But my friends they don't understand what it's like to have your mom be devorisd 3 times to not even now you biological farther (the crap one), or to want to never see you the dad that addopid you, or the fact that your brother has a differnet dad then you. They don't get what it's like be surround by men you don't trust. They ask me all the time why I don't date I'm scard I'm scard of boys because of how all the guys in my family act. I know not all guys are like that but I just have this always in the back of my mind. With everything going on im slowly breaking and I hate it. I hate not being strong.
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I have this problem as well, as does my dad (so in my case it's hereditary, might be for you too). It's gotten worse for my dad so he's been on anti-anxiety meds for years and says "it slows him down at night." I don't have insurance at the moment so I'm suffering with you. It's a horrible feeling - and starts to feel like pure panic after awhile. If you're able, talk to a doctor, or tell your mom that you're having an issue with your mind racing uncontrollably; it's anxiety related and will likely worsen if you continue to lose sleep. Good luck.
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