Thank you so much for welcoming me to this support group. Let me tell you a little bit about our baby girl Rebecca.

We learned that I was pregnant with Rebecca after a 13 month long battle with infertility. We were over the moon with joy that we’d be welcoming a baby and we did everything we were supposed to do and went to all the doctors appointments and followed all of the recommendations.

Last week, my husband and I had our anatomy ultrasound. We learned that Rebecca had absolutely no amniotic fluid surrounding her. This led the doctors to discover that our Rebecca had no kidneys and no bladder. Without amniotic fluid being produced by the kidneys and bladder, Rebecca’s lungs would not have the chance to form, as the way a fetus’ lungs develop in the womb is by « breathing » the fluid in and out. The condition is called bilateral agenesis of the kidneys and is 100% fatal. After an appointment with our OBGYN followed with an appointment with a high risk pregnancy doctor, it was determined that our Rebecca would die from this condition, either by crushing her own umbilical cord inside me, or by suffocation within minutes of entering the world. Based off this information, my husband and I have made the decision not to prolong Rebecca’s suffering, and to induce labor. I was checked into the hospital the very next day. This was not an easy decision to make, but it was the right one both for my husband and myself, and for Rebecca.

After nearly 48 hours of labor, Rebecca was born. She was born June 25th 2018, at 19 weeks 6 days gestation, just 20 minutes away from being 20 weeks.

Rebecca had already passed when she was born. She was born breech, sucking her thumb. We were able to make out her features. She has my nose, lips and chin, and Rick's hands and feet. She sleeps with her mouth slightly open just like her mommy. (According to my husband she is my spitting image when she is sleeping) She has 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. She looks perfect. She is perfect. We wrapped her inside a little blanket we made for her, to keep her warm, with a tiny little flower for company. Rebecca will be cremated in her blanket and then we’ll be able to take her ashes home in a few days.

I am an emotional mess, so is my husband. I find it difficult to put words to my emotions, I feel numb most of the time, if I do feel something I’ll feel sad and empty. I miss feeling Rebecca’s little kicks inside me.

I am dreading going back to work, I am a physical therapist who works with babies and children with special needs. I have wonderful support in my husband and family and we will be seeking psychological support as well. We have an appointment with the funeral home later today. I don’t know how to go about these next few days.