UPDATE***Thanks everyone for your input! I think therapy is probably the best idea too, so I called my psychiatrist for a referral and I have an appointment with a therapist. next week. I told my bf how I felt and he said he was perfectly fine waiting until I reach more of a comfort level with everything, and he assured me that if I never do, that is cool with him too. I feel better now that I have a plan to do something to actively figure this out instead of just getting trapped in my own head over it. Thanks again to everyone 😘***

I feel like I’m going crazy. My bf and I just started TTC. All my life I NEVER wanted kids. In fact, I had a major aversion to babies and children up until 2 months ago. People used to always tell me, “you’ll change your mind when you get older,” “you’ll at least love your own kid,” blah, blah, blah.

I got pregnant 5 years ago and had an abortion due to terrible circumstances at the time and truthfully, I did not want the baby. But when I was pregnant, I felt this awesome feeling of peace and ... I’m not sure how to describe it ... but it was a pleasant feeling and I warmed up to the idea of being a mom. But it was just bad timing. Not surprisingly, even though I chose to go through with the abortion, it still affected me and my bf pretty strongly. I don’t regret the decision. It was the right one at the time. But I was sad, and for a little while had this intense desire to get pregnant again - probably to make up for the abortion. Eventually that desire faded and I was back to being totally against having kids or even being around them for that matter.

Last fall I was hospitalized and had to take a two month medical leave from work for one of the worst depressive episodes (I’m bipolar) I’ve had in almost 8 years. Before I returned to work in the beginning of February, I moved from Chicago to Denver. I kept the same job, but I work from home now. When I returned to work I started getting treated very negatively by many people in my department. The problems at work coupled with the move and the fact I was still kind of recovering from the depression sent me down another hole. I started having daily panic attacks that medicine would just not help. It was to the point where I’d throw up from anxiety almost every morning and would be up for days at a time because the physical symptoms of the anxiety kept me up all night. I was having a hard time to say the least!

One day in April I was texting my bf and out of nowhere I just texted “I think I want to have a baby.” It didn’t even run through my mind before I texted it! I just mindlessly typed it out and hit send. It legit came out of nowhere. He was ecstatic!! The whole thing ballooned from there. I expected we’d discuss it for a few months given certain things we have going on right now ... but less than a week later I was going off the pill and furiously researching TTC, pregnancy, and baby stuff. When we started doing all that, my depression and anxiety started to get exponentially better. That amazing sense of peace I had when I was pregnant before was back! Just last week we officially started, for real, real trying.

But here’s the thing ... while I’m happy and excited, I kind of feel whacked out about how/why this change of heart about having a baby seemingly came out of left field. I definitely haven’t changed my general opinion on kids - I’m not all goo goo ha ha over children and I don’t think I ever will be. But I am very excited about having my own! I just feel unsure. Like where did this all come from? How did I just suddenly do almost a complete 180 on this? What if I’m just off my rocker and clinging to the idea of having a baby right now just because it seemingly made me feel so much better after months of depression and struggles?Or what if I’m just subconsciously trying to make up for the past abortion? Those are not good reasons to have a baby. That’s selfish of me if any of it is true.

I don’t want to bring a baby into the world and then find that suddenly I revert to the old way I felt about not wanting/liking kids. That would suck and be sad and unfair for my kid😢 I don’t want to do that to someone! My mom never wanted kids but felt like she had to have me to keep my dad and kind of resented me when I was growing up. She loved me and all and she wasn’t a bad parent and she eventually regretted how she felt about not wanting me ... but finding that out really hurt me. It’s all good now. But I still think about it sometimes. I don’t want to end up like my mom and resent my kid and make them feel like crap! I have no way of knowing how I’ll actually feel if I do have a baby, so I’m worried. What if I turn back into an anti-kid person??

I desperately want a baby now and I’m not 25 anymore, so it’s not like I have a ton of time to pump the breaks and mull it over...

Am I just being nuts because of the experience I had with my mom/regular first time parent jitters/being generally emotionally unstable in recent months, OR do I have no business having a baby and should I just not take a chance having a kid and possibly being a shit mom?????