I just want all mommas to know that it’s okay and you’re going to get through the rough first couple of weeks. I had baby blues and I have a bit of postpartum but I’m getting better. I never told anyone how I feel because I thought I would be judged and people would say I was a bad mom but I’m saying it now so if anyone else feels the way I did at the beginning you can at least know that you’re not alone. I have loved my baby from the moment I saw that bright blue plus sign. I loved him when he was born but I didn’t fall in love with him until he was almost a month old. I didn’t really connect with my child until he was a month old. I felt this disconnection almost through his entire newborn stage and I hate that I felt that way but it is what it is. I mean I went through 15 hours of labor and then I was cut open and I came home barely able to move and exhausted and all my baby did was cry. I tried to breastfeed but he would get so frustrated and worked up that he wouldn’t latch so I had to formula feed. He was also jaundice and had low blood sugar so we had to supplement from the start. I swore I would never lay my baby in my bed to sleep but the second night home I had to because he wouldn’t sleep unless he was next to me. I wanted nothing more than to look at my baby and just feel all these warm fuzzy feelings that every woman talks about but I didn’t, at least not all of the time. I didn’t hate him but I just could not find myself to feel everything you’re “supposed” to feel after you have your baby. All of my expectations of motherhood were blown to pieces by day 4 of my sons life. I had to redefine myself as a person, I had to make completely new plans and do things on the whim and it was one of the biggest struggles I have ever had. Just know that if you’re crying every night or day and you feel horrible because you don’t feel what everyone says you should feel or if you hate the question “how does it feel to be a mother” YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It gets better I promise on every fiber in my being that it gets better!

I had to redefine my ideas of motherhood and I had to create a whole new identity for myself but in doing that I’m a much happier person. Im this beautiful mix of who I was and this new person that was born the same day my son was born. We don’t breastfeed anymore but my baby is very happy on his formula and is gaining exactly 2 pounds a month which is in the guidelines of 1-2 pounds a month. We finally got past the cosleeping stage that I was scared would last forever and now he sleeps peacefully 8 hours a night in his pack and play right next to me. And I love this boy more than anything or anyone in the entire world. He laughs and smiles with me when I hold him and we dance around and sing to all of our favorite songs. He gives me an attitude when I don’t do something the way he wants and when he wants it (he’s a very vocal 2 month old) when we’re cuddling before bed he looks into my eyes and doesn’t just see me but he sees his whole world and I see mine.

So please if you’re feeling like you’ve failed your baby because you’re doing things that you swore you never would or bending your rules because what you thought would work just isn’t or even if you have to give your baby formula instead of breastmilk just know that you are not failing! It takes 21 days to create a habit and 21 days to break a habit. So if you have done something that you wish you wouldn’t have started then go ahead and break that habit and try something new! Some days you have to pick your battles. If one night you have to put your baby in bed when you swore you wouldn’t it’s okay! There’s always tomorrow! If you have to hand baby over to dad or someone else while you go take a really long shower and cry it’s okay! Get it all out because you’ll feel all better afterwards! If your baby won’t stop crying put him/her down in a safe space and walk outside for a second and take 3 deep breathes and focus on the sunlight hitting your skin. Then walk back in. You being stressed out and upset is worse for your baby than him crying for a minute (let him figure out those lungs lol) and remember above all that you’re doing great! Against all odds your body carried and created this magnificent loud little human and this little human loves you and needs you. Plus baby doesn’t know the right way or wrong way of anything so they think everything you’re doing is the right way!!!

Hang in there Mama!