Getting our rainbow, and I hope you’re not upset.
I’m kind of ashamed to admit it. When other women would post on here that they “finally have their rainbow” and “not to give up hope” and “it will happen for you” I wouldn’t feel their joy. I wouldn’t feel their excitement. I didn’t feel hope. I felt bitter and jealous and envious and empty.
I felt like I’m supposed to be 20 weeks pregnant. Finding out our baby’s gender, feeling their kicks, buying little clothes. I felt spiteful, and hurt and vulnerable. I also felt hard and closed off. I didn’t feel like me.
Now I’m that woman. The one with the positive test. The one with the rainbow. And I don’t have anywhere to share it but here. The place that helped to heal my heart but also hurt me at the same time. The place that showed me I wasn’t alone but also made me feel my loss over and over again.
I’m pregnant. My period isn’t due until Saturday so I’m REALLY early on. Scary early on. My last pregnancy ended at 7 weeks. I’m so afraid, so hopeful. So afraid to be hopeful.
I don’t know what I want you to get from this post. I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m lost. I’m excited. I’m nervous this will make you feel bitter and hopeless and empty. I hope it doesn’t. I hope a little of my joy can become yours. I hope I can take some of your pain.
So here it is:
My real life rainbow. My TTC journey has ended. For now. But I’ll probably hang around. You guys are my people. You will be the only ones who can understand all my emotions. How I can be so happy and feel so much pain at the same time. I don’t know. I’m guess I’m starting over.