To all the women who have suffered through the pain of a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages, like me. I am sorry. I am sorry for your pain and I understand how it feels. It’s like you’re living in a state of death. I felt dead. Numb to the world. Numb to my husband. We do not have any children which makes these 5 losses unbearable. I can’t breathe. I’m drowning everyday in my own tears. I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep with a heavy heart. I hold on to a picture of my sweet 7 week 1 day ultrasound measuring 5.1 cm with a heartbeat of 164. Sweet baby boy that I never got the chance to hold. It’s a pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

To the people who have never suffered a miscarriage or had trouble trying to conceive. I envy you. You haven’t had to face the sorrow of losing babies with your spouse and the emotional and financial stress that comes with it.

You haven’t had to sit through baby showers holding back tears scared that you will never get to experience the baby kicking in your belly. You haven’t had to sit next to the cute couple in a restaurant falling even more in love with every move of their baby. You tell me you’re sorry for my pain and I believe you but you will never understand my hurt. Every time I think I’m going to make it through the day someone says “when are you going to have a baby” or “I’m pregnant.”

We have been trying to conceive for two years. We have went through rounds of clomid, estradiol, and progesterone. We have had blood work and semen analysis. We have experienced a loss at 8 weeks, 3 chemicals, and 1 recent loss at 5 weeks. No rainbow baby as of yet. I have prayed and pleaded with God. I give this to him. I have prayed for my doctors. I have prayed for my health. I have prayed for my husband. God have mercy on us. I have to believe that somehow through this pain God is bringing us closer to him and preparing us to be better parents. We meet with the OB in 3 days to discuss options.

My rant is over. Please pray for all of us women who want nothing more than the car ride home with a baby carrier in the backseat.