What should I do???

Question

This will be a pretty long post ( please bare with me) but I just HAVE to vent and let it out, because I am driving myself crazy!!
So a little background story. I have a cousin ( 3 months younger than me) she is who I considered my very best friend growing up. We are now 25 and it took me 24 years to realize she is actually a really horrible friend who NEVER cares about my feelings and is VERY selfish! A year ago she found out she was pregnant ( I was happy for her) 2 months later I found out I was pregnant ( not planned at the time, a total surprise) but I ended up losing my baby 4 days after I found out I was pregnant! 
Of course a little jealously came over me, but I didn’t show it or let it known around my cousin cause I didn’t want to take her excitement away from her! After she found out I miscarried she never text me to check on me or anything. I text her from time to time to check on her pregnancy but she would never speak of my miscarriage! Maybe there was a reason she never did, but still I was hurt over it! Fast forward to today, her baby is now 5 months old and I am still in TTC, dealing with major depression ( which no one but my husband knows about). Found out a week ago that she is pregnant again!! At this point I’m just over it because I can not mentally handle it! Ive been avoiding her for my own sanity and mental health, but I ended up being around her last night ( not by choice) and of course she is talking up a storm about this pregnancy and someone mentioned names, and she said they had 3 names picked out if it’s a boy and she named 2 and then the 3rd she said “ Noah” ( she said that was the one they are more fund of) and at the moment I felt sick because my husband and I have had that named picked out for our boys name ever since our miscarriage a year ago! My husband immediately said “ that’s gonna be our little boys name too” and my cousin and her husband looked at us like they could kill us! I have been physically sick and depressed over this! Cause I have been praying for a little boy to be able to call him Noah since he would be our rainbow baby. She just doesn’t care! Im just honestly ready to call my life quits idk what to do!!!???

Answer

Honestly, I didn’t mind reading this because as soon as I began reading.. I instantly could relate bc I have a very close cousin I grew up with & we were literally 2 peas in a pod, people thought we were sisters for forever. When I got engaged last year, her true colors began to show. When my husband & I began to date, my cousin was dating some guy. Since then, she’s dated 2 more guys. The last being my husbands cousin, we hooked them up. They became serious fast, and one day my husband was using his cousin’s phone to text me & ended up seeing my cousin’s last text to her bf (my husbands cousin) had my name in it so out of curiosity, he clicked on it to read more. The two of them had been talking shit about us! My husbands cousin was telling his gf that my husband was going to need him before he need my husband “mark his words” (He was just trying to impress her ig cause that was a LIE, cause he always need my husband! He was literally borrowing our spare car for FREE, for Christ sake!!) and she was telling him how I don’t wanna see her happy & I never did (which is ridiculous cause everyone who know us KNOW I was behind her 100% percent, was currently helping her look high & low for a job bc she didn’t have one. Hell, I was more interested in helping her than she was herself!) and she also said she was planning on “keeping her distance” from me after the wedding (bc I fucked up & made her my maid of honor) like she did “before” (mind you, she used to always come follow me when I’d be hanging out, so she could come have fun with me & MY friend🙄). We never addressed it, simply kept our distance. Meanwhile they feel so bashful, yet continuously asked us to go places or go hang out on weekends after those messages. And we’d turn them down or ignore their texts every single time, them not even knowing we know what they said about us. Glad we saw, cause we’d still be hanging out & double dating with them til this day, not knowing their true colors! Wedding gets closer & I been “hired” that same cousin to do my sweets table bc she’s good at that & it’s convenient being that we were so close or so I thought anyway when I asked her to do that. Anywho, she charged me an arm & a leg to do the treats & set everything up! Mind you, I was already struggling paying everything I had to pay. Then the day of my wedding, apparently she gave me the dirtiest looks as I walked the aisle. And I was told she looked miserable the entire time (I was last to walk in, and even when I did, I was focused on my groom so I wouldn’t know!). She also left early as hell. My grandmother told me a month after the wedding that she didn’t want to tarnish our relationship but her & her friend from church that tagged along couldn’t help but notice how unhappy she was for me at the wedding & that they could tell she was envious. And there it is.. she WAS envious. I’ve heard it from a few wise family members too, she’s jealous of me. Which is so ironic bc growing up I was extremely unfortunate in just about every way possible. I had to live with her, her siblings & their parents bc my mom worked a lot & when she didn’t work, she was partying & my dad wasn’t in the picture. So I was at their house majority of the tome. They always lived in nice houses, had her mom AND dad taking care of her, she was always way prettier than me, better hair,  perfect cocoa complexion, boobs, guys liked her, more talents, scholarships, silver spoon & was working & making good money soon as she made 16 or 17, done ran thru 2 cars already.. she had it all! I had NOTHING. I was overweight as a child, wasn’t really girly bc I wasn’t pretty, dark skin so I was “burnt”, was picked on bc of my looks, didn’t have much updated stuff bc my mom didn’t spend money on any WANTS, just needs. I hated my childhood bc I grew up an outcast & bad nobody, not even siblings. Couldn’t get a job as a teen plus had no transportation! And now look at me, I lost all that extra weight (still a big girl but not an unhealthy big & I make it look good now), my hair is beautiful since I cut it short back in school & started fresh, I’m a workaholic, my own house, and I’m married to the second guy I ever dated! Meanwhile she’s been dating since she was about 12 years old and still can’t find the perfect man for her. I’d be jealous too, honestly. Bc I came from nothing, and I’ve held it together regardless of how shitty my life was & I did something about it as soon as I was old enough to, the first change I got. Meanwhile she have it all & still won’t do anything with it! Still living with her mom, her and every boy she start dating. Don’t ever plan on moving out her mom’s house. She just started working, using the degree she was fortunate enough afford. 
So take it from me,  don’t be jealous of her.. pray for her. And continue to pray for yourself as well. Being jealous or bashful obviously gets you no where & it’s just takes up too much energy & vibes you could be using with positivity. She’ll be able to smell that envy on you & run with it, don’t give her the satisfaction! Focus on you & your goal, don’t let that distract you from what you’re working hard for 🙃 Good luck!

Answer

When you say “you’re ready to call your life quits”, do you mean you want to hurt or kill yourself??? PLEEEASE DON’T DO THAT!!!!! I know I don’t know you, but I do know what it’s like to live with severe Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder (along with many other illnesses that I have). I know life can get EXTREMELY hard because of it, but you have to keep faith that they will find a cure or treatment that works really well for depression and anxiety. I’ve been sick since I was 15 (I’m 35 now) and have been to hell and back, but I know I have to keep the faith that I’ll get better. I’ve been bedridden for about 13yrs or so (in bed at all times, except to go to appointments, the bathroom and get something to eat) all because of my depression and anxiety!! So I know what hell can feel like. So take it from me, nothing is worth ending your life!! I’ve been ttc for many years also, (16, on and off). But I’ve not been able to get pregnant yet. So that’s soo hard!! BUT, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to have a mc. I’m SOO very sorry that you’re dealing with all that. On top of that to then have your cousin steal your boys name has to be heartbreaking!!! I’m so very sorry for everything you must be going through. I have to tell you again though, NOTHING is worth ending your life!!! Why don’t you speak your mind to your cousin, and let her know how you are feeling? I don’t know, maybe that wouldn’t do any good for some people though. I’ve dealt and still deal with a lot with my psychological issues, so, if you ever feel alone or need to relate to someone or just need to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through, you can message me and I will try to help in anyway I can. If you’d like, anyway. I’m always willing to try to help or just talk to, anyone who is going through the hell that depression and anxiety cause. There’s also the national suicide hotline. Just google the number. They keep everything anonymous and confidential!! Have a good night sweetie.

What should I do???

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