July 10,2018 was supposed to be a normal growth ultrasound... what we were expecting to be a happy day turned into our worst nightmare after we found out that our beautiful baby boy no longer had a heartbeat.

I always dreamed of having a wonderful pregnancy and enjoying the journey to motherhood, but this pregnancy, my very first pregnancy, has haunted us... I never suspected that I would lose my son so quickly and I almost hate myself for wishing I had miscarried instead of having to deal with the emotional pain of being in labor for over 26 hours with no baby to take home.....

I've kept my faith in the Lord and keep praying for his comfort and for him to give me strength, but man am I struggling... and so is the father...

My fiance wants us to wait until next Feburary to start again, but it feels like it is 100 years away. I can't help but feel hurt when I hear people unknowingly say "Are you sure you're ready for this?" when a child cries.... but little do they know that I would have given the world just to hear my son cry even once....

I just don't know how to deal with the grief without stressing out about getting everything ready in an unreasonable amount of time so that we can try again to help feel the empty void I have in me right now.... I just want to be a mom soooo bad.... and I miss my angel so much.....