I'm going to try to keep it as short as I can... so i developed depression in 8th grade. I went from a girl's size 12/14 or a 0 to a size 9 in one short month. so the weight came too quickly for me to even notice. like I woke up over weight over night. ok fast forward to marriage which caused me to gain my comfy weight and weight with ttc and I ended up In a 13/14. I've always been 180 to 190 and that was too much for me, one day I told my hubby if I ever hit 200 on a scale I would cry. the same day I had a doctor appt, stepped on the scale and it read 200 lbs, I started freaking out. so much so that my blood pressure was extremely high and they were worried about me. I said it's ok I'm freaking out from the scale, after i calmed down they retested me and it was normal. Fast forward again I lost weight that took some time to lose. Fast forward again I lost weight that took some time to lose. I was doing pretty good. I've always been close with my sister and her boys. I've helped raise and support them. I kept my first nephew for the first few years of his life and then her 4th son. He's lived with me the last 2 years and he's 2. her 5th baby Maverick(9 months)ended up In the er from being unresponsive. from there to another hospital 2 hours away, we drove he flew, from that hospital to one 5 hours away. from the first night until the last hospital was in 2 days, he had brain surgery. the entire time he was unresponsive. we had high hopes that he would recover and wake up from his surgery. they said it would take time, so we waited and waited. seemed like years. then, they gave us the horrible news that he wasn't going to wake up, that he would slowly die. my sister decided my sister decided to take him off life support and donate his organs. my mother, my older sister, myself, and Mavericks mother went into the room where they prepared him and took him off the vent. everyday I see him, I see his last gasp for air and his lips turn blue. it's been very hard on me. destroyed me completely. I've gained 30 or more pounds back, I've quit my job, I never get out of bed, I cry everyday. it's all I can think about when I'm not thinking of having a baby of my own, and that makes me think of him. my point is, if you're still reading. I need help. I need energy to even get out if bed, I need tips on eating and excersing. I've been muscular but with weight so I don't want to add more muscle. we are on a budget with me not working so I buy what I can afford which isn't always healthy. I never eat sweets, like a few times a year for birthday or something. I drink soda but besides that I need help on what not to eat. I do have pcos, idk if that matters. I just want to be happy with myself and not live in my bed anymore, really. I want my husband to be proud of my body, he says he loves it but honestly how can he? I just need help.