Possible trigger warning. I had an eating disorder as a teenager and will be talking IN DEPTH about it.

As a kid, I grew up on the heavier side. I was in 5th grade, and 137 lbs. I got made fun of super hard for it. As I got a little older, I was in 7th grade and I specifically remember eating breakfast before school, ordering something to drink at lunch, and wouldn’t eat until I got home. As I saw the weight loss, I wanted to keep going. But I didn’t. I “got better”.

Fast forward to my junior year of high school. I was at my worst. I didn’t like how my body looked in anything I put on. I hated my stomach, and hated how small my boobs were. I wouldn’t eat at all until dinner. I self harmed, I was hiding from everything that hurts me and shut everyone out. I went to a psychiatrist and they put me in a partial hospitalization program. Like last time, I “got better” once again. Only this time, with professional help.

Year after I graduated high school, my mother got me a Fitbit for Christmas. This... this is where things spun out of control. I ate nothing. I spent 15 minutes changing my outfits in the morning, counted calories in everything I ate and drank, and felt guilty if I were to eat 1,000 calories. I drank so much Diet Coke it isn’t even funny. I would fill myself with Diet Coke so I could hold off until I ate. Which wasn’t anything really. I would eat a small container of honeydew melon. Everyday. For a few months. I remember specifically being in Taco Bell with my friends, and everyone was finished. However, I still had a bunch to eat. I told my friends I was feeling sick and they made sure I ate. And said they would sit with me even if it took an hour. My hair started getting brittle, I was hallucinating in a way, bad dreams because I was so malnourished. The list goes on.

2 years later and I can finally say, I am happy with my weight. I’m about 160 lbs (I don’t know exact numbers, my mom hid the scale from me when I went into a partial program), and I’m happy. I love crop tops, I love ALMOST anything I wear. Yes there’s times when I want to be thinner, but 90% of the time I’m fine with my body. I’m accepting it now and it’s beautiful.