I was going to do it so right this time. I never missed a vitamin, I ate all the right foods, quit drinking caffeine cold turkey, went all natural hair products, drank water religiously. I threw away the half used box of "pregnancy tea" this morning, in a fit of rebellion, (it wasn't cheap). I'd lost yet another 8 week pregnancy 2 days ago, just days before the due date of the first one. I needed control, as if throwing away a box of tea gave me that, but it was this little symbolic gesture of declaration. I'm tired of cramping, I'm tired of crying, I'm so tired of bleeding. I'm going on 4 weeks of a constantly changing a maxi pad. I never thought I'd want so desperately to be able to wear a tampon. I'm tired of searching thru blood, and clots, and tissue for some small recognizable sign of a baby we so desperately wanted, not that I'd know what to do if I found anything. I'm tired of life being normal when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Grocery shopping is a chore, I carefully avoided the baby aisle and averted my eyes from shopping carts carrying cranky infants and toddlers. I stared at the sushi selection and regretted so much that I can eat sushi and deli meat and soft cheeses and drink a diet coke. My heart goes out to each of you who know all too well these feelings, who right now feel as tho the world and all your dreams are crumbling, how all you planned on asking for for Christmas were gifts for the baby, how you planned your maternity wardrobe around big bulky sweaters you already have. May peace and healing find their way into your hearts tonight. Blessings.