My miscarriage story

I apologize for the Long post.

My miscarriage story

When I heard women talking about miscarrying a child, I always wondered everything. How did they go on? How did they love someone and they never even got to hold or meet? How did you heal from knowing your body had failed you and let you down?

I never truly understand what those women had gone through until I experienced it myself.

My husband and I are high school sweethearts, we’re both young and he happens to be in the military. Knowing a deployment was coming were trying to have a child. Eight months long excruciating eight months went by. Month after month of pregnancy test coming back negative and getting my period, my heart kept breaking and breaking. I never thought that we were going to be able to have a child.

May 25 day I will always remember, this wonderful day at 5 o’clock in the morning I had taken a test because I had been feeling sick for a couple of weeks. I figured there was no harm but I figured it was going to be negative because I had recently taken a trip and flying puts a lot of stress on the body. Almost instantly came back positive I was finally so happy I was able to have a child. I waited until my husband got up from the morning and we went and got coffee. He waited outside while I ran in and I asked the nice lady if she could put hi mom and hi dad on the cups. When I gave it to him it took him a second to figure it out, the second he knew he got out of the car and hugged me the tightest he’s ever hugged me. Since it was a weekend we went on Monday morning to my doctor to get a pregnancy test done so we can get transferred to an OB. Obviously came back positive, and they transferred us. Since I was so early in my pregnancy we had to wait a while for my appointment. We scheduled my appointment for June 25.

The state came and he and I were so excited we are going to finally see our precious baby that we’ve been waiting so long for. They did the ultrasound just a normal one, while they were looking they notice the baby was smaller than what we had intended. So they had scheduled me for another ultrasound the same week. Wednesday came and I went for my appointment, this time I was excited because we’re gonna be able to see the baby so much better, since they were doing a transvaginal ultrasound. As the lady was doing the ultrasound she noticed that we weren’t just having one baby we were having identical twins. I was so excited but the lady was was taking quite some time, then randomly she decided to bring another doctor to take a look. When this doctor came in he looked for a good 20 minutes quietly not saying anything which was worrying me. After he was done he told me to get dressed as he stepped out of the room he would come back in and speak with me for a moment.

When he walked back in there was this look on his face and I just knew something was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that baby B looked to have passed away and baby A was slowly passing away as well. I cried for what seems like a good five minutes, and I kept thinking maybe they’re just too small, maybe these doctors were dumb. I decided to wait and see what would happen in a week. I scheduled an appointment for the following Monday to “ confirm “ them passing away. Monday came and they looked and said that’s they passed away. But I was still so hopeful so I just kept ignoring the doctors and just praying to God that this wasn’t happening to me. They scheduled an appointment for July 5.

July 5 day that will forever be a horrible day for me and my husband. We went in for my appointment and the doctor not only confirmed that they were passing but my body was already taking care of the babies. And maybe two hours after the appointment I felt this horrible hush of water. I just knew second it happened I knew what was happening. My husband was right next to me and he took care of me the entire time.

In this moment I have never loved that they had more than anything in the world. Not only was he having to sit there and watch me go through this he had to do that while he was in pain himself. He had carried me to the bathroom and sat in front of you while I cried on the toilet is I kept screaming why is this happening to me. I decided that I didn’t want to flush my babies down the toilet I wanted to take them back home and bury them in our yard so we will always be able to know that they are safe. My sweet husband care of me up the stairs into her bathroom and helped me interested let me in the tub and sat with me for hours as this was happening. Through every contraction in pain he was there.

After it was all over he helped me shower and put me in bed and stayed with me the entire night. We didn’t have another appointment until the next week. One thing I noticed was I wasn’t bleeding as bad as other women going through this. I was getting very light spots every 5 to 6 hours. Which worried me. But then I was noticing I was getting very very horrible pains and I knew something was wrong. But I have a very very horrible fear of emergency rooms so I decided to wait it out until my appointment. Then came the Saturday morning I cooked breakfast and had slight pain’s. After we had eaten as my husband was doing dishes I decided to do laundry. As I was doing laundry I got this pain and I just felt like someone was cutting me from side to side, it was so bad that I was clutching gripping my washing machine but still putting clothes in there because I knew it needed to get done. My husband yelled and yelled at me to go lay down until finally he just got fed up and carried me to the couch. I had called my grandmother because I trusted her opinion on what I was going through. She told me that I needed to go to ER because anything could be wrong it’s better to be safe than sorry.

We arrived at the emergency room around 630 7 o’clock at night, there was no one there so we got in pretty easily. I explained my situation to the tech, they had my husband and I wait in a room for the doctor to come. The doctor came in and he was really sweet and made sure I was very comfortable and made sure I was OK. We decided we were going to do an ultrasound and a pelvic exam, I just felt very off and I felt like something was wrong. The ultrasound showed I had tissues still left in my uterus, and the pelvic exam showed that my cervix was doing its job. He told us that the tissues should go away within the week and if it doesn’t I had appointment that Friday and made sure the doctor did an alter sound and check to see if there was any left. Since I had very light bleeding for Dr. cleaned my cervix and since then it was just like a waterfall of blood. Friday had came and the doctor said that I still had some tissue left in there but very little compared to the ER Saturday night so they wanted us to decide if a DnC was a route that we wanted to take or the medicine or let things just happen naturally. My husband and I decided to let it happen naturally since everything was going smoothly already.

I feel empty and alone I feel like I failed my husband and I let him down. I feel like a horrible person, I hate every woman that gets pregnant. I hate seeing women with newborns. I know deep down inside I don’t know how long it took them to get there how much heartache and pain but I still hate them so Flippin much because I’m not going through it myself. I’m no longer pregnant, I give birth to two beautiful babies that I would never get to hold or hear laugh or cry or send off to college or watch them go on their first date.

I know many women don’t talk about the pain of losing their child before they even got to meet them. I used to feel so bad for people who miscarried their babies. And now as I’m going through it myself the only thing I need is just a goddamn hug and someone to hold me as I cry.

I want to hear from you, your stories of losing your angels and I want to pray that you have a beautiful rainbow baby.