Selfish me

I feel awful. I still haven’t gotten the results from my second hcg check, but I passed a lot of blood and clots between the first and second. There’s very little hope for me. I was 6 weeks 4 days when the I had my first check after about 12 hours of cramps and bleeding worsening the whole time. It all started off like nothing, almost like implantation bleeding, but then it got worse. There was no heartbeat at the ultrasound which made me cry even though they told me it was still early. I keep checking my patient portal to see if my results have come in, naturally they haven’t. I honestly just want some coffee and some medicine to help with the cramps. I’m ready for the nightmare to be over.

What makes me super selfish is my cousin who is 4 1/2 years younger than me and not in a relationship (actually just got out of a bad one - which I’m proud of her for!) is 16 weeks pregnant and already knows the gender. I’m just crushed. All my fiancé and I want is to live our lives together and have healthy babies together and somehow I’ve failed. He has been incredibly supportive and has made sure I feel good. Checks up on me throughout the day just to see if I’m okay and asks how I’m feeling. I just still feel awful.

My mom had both my younger sister and me -unplanned- when she was younger than I currently am. I’m only 25! I am just ready. And it seems unfair that other people are having babies when they don’t plan them, but mine is gone when it’s what I want. Do any of you ladies feel like this too? I can’t be the only one.

The only bright side I see right now is people will no longer ask if we were getting married because I was pregnant. We are getting married because we love each other. Which is also why we want to have babies. At least now there isn’t a pregnancy to confuse that for people.