I should be asleep because it's past midnight here. but I can't. we've been TTC for 11 months now. and it's hard. my husband tells me to not stress, so does everyone else. i get it. it doesn't help though. it just makes me shut up and cry to myself. i literally can't talk to anyone about it cuz they either r pregnant or tell me to relax.

the thing is: i wanted my grandparents to be proud and meet our baby. and now my grandma died a month ago. it hurts so much. i can't even describe. it feels like I've disappointed her so much. and i can never fix this.

my body keeps trolling me every month. either my period is late and my hope rises. then gets crushed the moment the cramps start (like today). and then I'm waiting like an idiot though i know exactly it's coming. or i have spotting for 3 or 4 days and think it doesn't come. but every time i get my hopes up, life tells me "NO" and slaps me in the face. how do other ppl do this without breaking apart? i really don't want to whine. it's just i really need ge this all out there. I'm hurting so much right now. and the fact that there is literally no1 nearby who'd be able to understand... i hate it. :(