okay long story short I was with the father of my kids for 9 years. We have 3 kids together. he cheated on me early on about 2 years in right after I had our first child. after time apart and fighting we chose to figure things out. fast forward to 8 years together. I had just had our 2nd child. and once again found out he was cheating. I wanted to keep working things out because yes as stupid as it sounds I wanted to be with him. i never imagined my life without him or with anyone else. 6 months after finding out he cheated i found out he was still seeing her and she was actually coming to my apartment while I was working. I told him I couldnt do it anymore and needed space. he stayed around and eventually promised to not see her anymore. fast forward another year. (now together 9.5 years) I found messages on his phone where hed chat with a female from some site about fantasys. I finally had enough and told him we were done for good. he stopped staying at our apartment. I briefly was seeing someone else for the next 3 months. I was trying to get over my 9 year relationship and finally be happy. well things with that person didnt work out so I focused on being single and my kids. two months later I chose to sleep with my ex twice which I ended up pregnant with child #3. 🙄 I just gave birth to him last week. it's been extremely hard bringing another child into this world while not being together. I developed depression and had questioned several times if I could even do this. since having the baby the depression has gotten worse. I'm always crying feeling alone. hes a great help and often takes the older kids to help out. but hes been seeing the girl he cheated on me with and im just not comfortable with her being around again much less staying with him sometimes. I know i shouldn't be mad. I did leave the relationship it was my choice. but lately I cant help but feel like maybe I should have stayed and tried more.

I feel like he sees her as more important and that kills me. I just want to feel like I still matter. hes told me I'm not importantanymore just coparenting is and that killed me. I know I should be thankful hes a good dad but I cant help but feel so empty. if you've read this far thank you for listening. I dont have anyone to talk to and am just so tired of being depressed. .