What NOT to do or say to someone infertile

Last week, I received three unkind messages. I wasn’t upset; I was confused. These people did not even know me, yet they are telling me that my infertility journey is “clearly a sign that [I] don’t need to have children” and that I should “just adopt”, among other things that I won’t repeat.

~ Don’t disappear – Your support is wanted.

~ Don’t avoid topics – Ask (kindly); we’ll share when we’re ready.

~ Don’t not invite us to family events or baby-themed events: baby showers, christenings, birthday parties. – Would you not invite your friend to your wedding just because you know that he/she also wants to get married?

~ Do not make decisions for us. – Only we get to decide what we will do.

~ Don’t NOT believe me – When we tell you how we feel, believe us. You will only destroy our relationship if you don’t.

~ Don’t pity me. – Your pity won’t cure anything. Pray. Be kind.

~ Do not assume that we’re feel a certain way because your kids make us feel [insert a negative emotion] – That’s not for you to decide or to say. Your child is innocent. If you truly care, ask.

~ Don’t define us. – We are not our diagnosis.

~ Don’t say that our condition doesn’t exist or that it is in our heads. – It’s not. It’s an actual condition. A disease. A diagnosis. Another easy way to destroy our relationship.

~ Don’t say “just relax and it’ll happen” – You know, we haven’t thought of that one. Thanks!

- Don’t tell us that it will happen once we stop treatments. – LOL. That’s all.

~ Don’t tell us to “just” adopt. – Adoption is not a cure or a solution for infertility. It is also a personal decision. (For the record, sharing your experiences with adoption does not fall into this category.)

~ Do not say “this would never happen to me”. ~ What did we do to deserve it? We don’t wish it on you but we know it could happen to anybody.

~ Do not tell us what we are experiencing. – Do not speak for us, especially when you don’t know.

~ Don’t say “you’re infertile because…” – Just, no.

~ “God is punishing you” – Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

~ “Just don’t think about it” – BAM! WE’RE CURED! But, really.

~ Don’t think that pushing your kids onto us will fill some void you’ve created in your head. ~ We don’t want your kids. We’re trying to have our own.

~ “You must be doing it incorrectly”. – [No comment.]

~ Don’t “share” your kids with us “until we have our own”. – You’re just not helping. This is not comforting. We don’t want A kid. We want OUR kids. [Also, we’re pretty sure you wouldn’t be too happy if we actually started to play “mom” to your kids.]

~ Don’t tell us you’re going to SAVE us or our marriages. – Stay out of our marriages.

~ Don’t compare. – Share. No two journeys are ever the same.

~ “You’re just not meant to be parents.” – Maybe. But are you God?

The "DO" list is so much shorter and easier so let's just do that, ok?

DO: Listen. Offer help and support. Be there. Be mindful. Understand. Empathize. Love. BE KIND.