So I have been married 4 1/2 years my husband and I are both 24. Throughout those years I have lost friends lost close family due to death. I currently live with my husband and BIL in my FIL house. My family is on the other side of the country. My husband has major baby fever and I do too. Is it messed up that I want to just have children with him and not be with him? I know it sounds bad but we have had recurring miscarriages is since being married 4 in the first trimester & 4 in the second.

I recently found out he has a side piece again. An ex girlfriend from high school. I really wanted to punch both of them in the throat. I've come to realize once a cheater always a cheater. He has even brought shit back home to me in the past. But of course I want to be the trophy wife and work things out this is the man I had committed my life too, right? Problem is I'm a fucking investigator and I know for a fact he has recently had sex with this female. They were talking yesterday about her getting checked and him asking her if he needs to get checked! She claims he doesnt. Like wtf! Really 4 years later, you still doing the same bullshit? He just doesn't learn I will always know when something isn't right. I have recently lost my job because of his controlling bullshit. I have had enough of this. I'm playing my cards right so I can leave.

It's rough thinking about having to start over when my parents and grandparents are gone 😒 my punk ass so called husband is all I had. I mean I have 3 older siblings but they have families. I don't want to intrude on that. We were separated for about 6 months while I was pregnant last summer but unfortunately the stress was to much and he was a stillborn. I went through all of that myself like each past pregnancy.

So I feel like if we were to have a child I would be the main provider. Basically I want him to give me his sperm for free. I have this child and raise him/her to be an outstanding human being like my mother did myself. I feel it's a cheaper alternative than sperm bank or adoption plus I know where my child is coming from. I know this sounds crazy but I'm over his BS. I'm really just saving up enough money to start fresh back in Arizona. I can't even look at this man the same. The lies, cheating, abuse, deceit. I just needed to vent sorry it's so long, I know I'm all over the place.

Edited...

Thanks ladies I needed some tough love.

I guess I'm trying to hold on to something I know is over. I have told him earlier this month I was leaving at the end of the month. He claims he loves me but this is not love. I can't continue to live like this. It's not healthy for either of us. He doesn't know that I know he's still seeing this girl even though I throw things out. But honestly I want to leave, I just don't know how too.