It was back in December 2017. I decided to have sex with a man I barely even knew.

I broke up with my abusive ex a month or two before. But it never felt like it was done. He would text me curses and call me names from different accounts and sometimes threaten or blackmail me with nudes

To get over my abusive ex, I wanted to do something crazy. Something I have never done before: Sex

I barely knew the man. I only met him twice before.

It was in the mans car. He was three years older than me. We had protection. When he started I thought

" I don't want to do this anymore."

It hurt a lot and I kept my hand pushing against him the whole time. I told him it hurt a lot but he didn't reply. I didnt ask him to move but kept pushing him the whole time.

I felt like because I wanted to do this I had to go on with it. I couldn't just say stop when I said I wanted to do it.

It finished really fast but the pain was

terrible.

We did it again and this time it hurt more. He told me to change positions. I stomach was down on the seat. I was uncomfortable but I didn't say anything.

I wanted to tell him to stop. That it hurt too much but I couldnt speak. I couldn't push him. My hand were under me and pressed against my boobs.

This time it ended fast too.

Right after he finished, I smiled got my stuff and went home. It hurt a lot for the next two days.

I hated myself for doing it. I still do. I don't know how to get over the experience. I only ever told two people about it, one of which was my counselor.

I don't like to call it rape because I was the one who asked for it.

But I haven't forgotten about how much it hurt. Sometimes I cry with regret. I wish I could go back and stop. I wish I never put myself in that situation.

I never talked to the man again. I haven't seen him since. I feel like no one will want me.

I keep thinking about it..

How do I get over it.

How do I make myself feel okay.