I'm sorry but I'm tired

I've been ttc for 2-3 years. I've had 3 miscarriages.

my sister in law has 2 babies God I love my nephews so much they are amazing 5years, and 4 months. I was jealous of her not in a mean way but jealous because my body wont work I was jealous that she wasn't even trying.

my sister stopped her bir

th control and decided she wanted to start a family. about a month after we hung out i had found out i was pregnant (#2) i wanted to her in person I was excited she was also cuz she was pregnant to. she was 2-3 weeks ahead of me this was her first month trying I lost my baby days after. I have a 1 year old niece who is so beautiful and lovely she makes you smile no matter what.... I was jealous I had lost mine and she kept hers I was so mad and angry. not at her because she had a beautiful baby girl but because my body wouldn't work my body didn't want to keep it..

so now I've been jealous mad angry and upset but not at just 1 thing.

jealous=I wish my body worked like hers.

mad=2 lives i have failed.

angry=God why does it seem it happens for every one but me?

upset=I never knew your gender, or got to pick a name, I never heard your heart beat, or see you in that ultrasound frame.

fast forward awhile.

my bestfriend lives a couple hours away she got pregnant on her second month of ttc. dude I can't tell you how happy I was this is her dream and it was coming true! making a baby is complex but that's why they call it a miracle. I learned with my sister an my sister in law is when I feel jealous I need to say something it helps me not be jealous just talking it through. I talked to my best friends mom about it hoping she'd understand but I think I messed up in my words somewhere I made her think that I hated my best friend because she got pregnant but that was never the case I can't hate someone for being pregnant but now it seems like I've lost my best friend. her mom told her what I said and I didn't know I left her house happy and excited but she stopped talking to me I didn't understand till tonight she finally told me what was going on. she has held this all in knowing her having it go through her head instead of explaining it to me before. but I dont think she'll understand. as I sat here writing to her telling her what I was meaning I cried. not only have I lost her but I've lost half a life we used to be so close no one could get between us. she wrote on my wall at my old house. she chose me over a guy. she made me laugh till spaghetti came out of my nose. I lied for her and she lied for me. in school she was always on my side when I had no one. i had her through my first 2 miscarriages but this month I had my 3rd and I didn't have her...

I have tried so hard so long to get pregnant my 3rd was my longest I couldn't even tell her I was pregnant she wouldn't answer me... because I was jealous. I want to give up on ttc I just don't know what way to go. my family has their own family and I just don't have anyone else to keep my Hope's up.....