My sweet boy: I’m writing this now as I watch you sleeping next to me.

I’ve been looking for a word. As someone who’s typically good with her vocabulary this is unfamiliar to me. I have this feeling in my heart; in my soul when I look at you. It’s excitement, surprise, happiness, pride, adoration, caution, fear, and whole-hearted love all rolled into one. What is that called? It’s bigger than love, so much bigger. Tagging a word as generic as ‘love’ onto this incredible experience seems inadequate. No, this is much more.

I wonder then, if there is such a word. Perhaps it’s so spectacular, so earth-shatteringly amazing that humans couldn’t pinpoint it and give it a name. As if giving it something as simple as name would be belittling what it is; what it means. A feeling like this deserves more than a name anyway. It’s more than a feeling; it’s a wave of emotions; an experience unlike any other this world has to offer. Looking into the eyes of your child and seeing everything... everything good about you, about your partner, about the world. All of the wonder you’d ever dreamed of in a 20 pound package and it all seems unreal. The shock of it all, that he’s yours and that you made him becomes too much to fathom so you have to close your eyes for a second. You shoot them back open, eager to see him again, and realize it’s not a dream. It’s all real. He’s yours. He’s here. And he’s going to love you for all of time.

But what have you ever done to deserve the love of someone so beautiful? Are you good enough? Will you ever be? Is anyone good enough for him?

Right now it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s mine and God, I’m his. My sweet boy. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. No ocean I would not swim for you. No mountain I would not climb. First in line for everything you will do in life. Front row for every event. Next to you for every first. Behind you for every decision. Arms open to catch you at your every attempt to fly.

I’ll live my life making you strong but I’ll always carry you when you become weak. Take from me what you need. I only ask this: find it in your heart to feel these things for your own child one day. Because it is only now that I see you there sleeping next to me that I realize I came alive when you did ❤️