I have been in abusive relationships in the past. Physical, emotional, sexual, etc. I’ve never been hit or had that kind of physical abuse but I’ve been pushed, held down, etc. because of this I am overly cautious about abuse. My current boyfriend and I are both verbally abusive sometimes. We both recognize it as a problem and have been working on it and getting better. My boyfriend is neglectful and apathetic at times which I would refer to as a form of emotional abuse. I wouldn’t characterize him as an “abusive boyfriend” but would say he has “abusive tendencies/behavior” sometimes.

My question is in regard to physical abuse.. In the past he has gotten physical with me when he’s angry and it’s not clear to me whether I should consider it abuse or not. Usually he says it was an accident or he didn’t know he did it, and a lot of the time it happens out of sheer disregard for me and where I am relative to him (walking through me results in pushing, turning his body results in hitting me with his shoulder/elbow, turning his body in bed results in pulling my hair and when I say something he doesn’t move or care that he’s hurting me).

All of these examples are when he’s angry/apathetic, not just “oops I rolled on your hair/didn’t see you there”. Some examples are:

-Pushed me when he got out of bed (I was sitting next to him)

-Pushed me when he walked around me

-Pushed a door into me that I was standing next to (in his defense I was blocking it and asking him to please wait and listen to me)

-Hit me with his shoulder when he turned over with an attitude (not exactly sure how it happened it just hurt and got scared so hard to remember)

-Grabbed my arm and pushed it away then pushed me out of the way (I was trying to take his shirt off a hanger because I was scared and asked him to leave and he was getting clothes, I was afraid and just wanted him gone so I was helping him get his clothes together faster and he pushed me away and said don’t touch my stuff)

-Pushed (not like a punch) my face when we were fighting over the radio in his truck (I had a headache and kept asking him to turn it down, he kept turning it up, he pushed my hand away and hit my face but didn’t realize it)

When these have happened I have sometimes had a panic attack because of past abuse. I don’t know if he is being abusive or if I am just afraid and defensive because of past abuse. Whenever he pushes me or something like that I usually fight back and would push him back (I get this from my mom, she used to do the same with my dad). I don’t think it’s right to be physical with him especially if it really was an accident but I get scared and feel like I need to defend myself and worry if I just let it go and act submissive that it will get worse. Am I being irrational and paranoid or do you think this is abuse or is escalating to that? I was understanding the first few times when he said “I didn’t know I hit/pushed you it was an accident” but now I’m noticing it’s happened more “accidentally” with him than anyone else I’ve been with aside from my clearly abusive ex and when he’s angry. Please help and be honest but respectful. Thank you!