I don’t know what it is exactly, but I have felt really off today. Like I am mad with the world and honestly all I want is to be alone. I feel angry and sad that my friends are expecting and I am not, despite having been trying for much longer than them. I am angry that my doctor is making me wait while he “treats”the endo leftover after my surgery. I am angry that I feel angry.

And I am so soooooo sad for myself because a lot of the time it feels like it’s never going to happen, that I am being robbed of yet another dream, the biggest one I ever had, the dream of being a mother and holding my baby in my arms. And I try to look for reasons why it’s good it hasn’t happened, and they are all really stupid because there is no good reason.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to be jealous. It’s overwhelming me. I can’t even concentrate at work anymore, I can’t stop getting snappy at my husband and friends and family. I just wish I could turn my brain off.

Not only is it bad enough that my body refuses to act like a normal body by failing to conceive a baby (and also appropriately fighting off infections like the fucking UTIs that I swear at this point might as well kill me), but my brain is suffocating me with all these thoughts. I am struggling so hard to remain positive, and I am so tired of trying to remain strong for everyone. For today, I hate my life and I know I should leave it all up to God, but it’s so hard to believe He will truly come through for me when so far He hasn’t. I hate being negative but I don’t know how else to be when reality paints such a grim picture.

And btw, I do see a therapist (my next appointment is Friday) and I am even taking anti-depressants but I just stated them on Wednesday so I guess they are taking a while to work).