Need to get it off my chest

Looking at this empty space and not seeing what could have been your nursery, shatters my heart it gets harder and harder to look at the empty space like the empty space left in my heart I reserved for you. I suck up my tears and tell everyone I’m doing fine but slowly dying inside thinking how I can never hold you in my arms. You were only with me for such a little time but felt so connected and so important having you grow inside me.

seeing the positive test after going through months of <a href="">ivf</a> appointments and hormone injections I couldn’t have been happier

Little to know my whole world was about to start crashing down.

I didn’t get to feel happy for long I started to bleed and instantly knew something wasn’t right. I called nurses done blood test but everything came back okay. I still had you! I was still bleeding and it still didn’t feel right. One night pain struck my pelvic area like thousands of knives slowly pushing and twisting into me. I cried I screamed and when I couldn’t take it anymore went to the hospital the 30minute drive felt like a life time. We got there and nurses and doctors asking me questions I don’t even remember. Taking blood running tests. I look over to your dad trying to look brave but could see the fear in his eyes. More tests no answers. Finally done an ultrasound, I was looking at the screen searching for you not even knowing what I’m looking at I took a breath it will be fine. Back in my room after an hour, a nurse asked if we got our results. No I replied is everything okay?

The ultrasound showed there was nothing in your uterus. It was like i didn’t hear whatever was said next. I felt numb everything sounded like white noise, Your dad told me I would be going in for surgery because I had an abnormality on my right Fallopian tube, turned out it was you, you grew in the tube and it had ruptured and I was bleeding internally.

Everything felt numb I cried but crying seemed pointless, wasn’t going to stop time nor was it going to save you.

The doctors kept saying you were unsalvageable nothing could be done. I kept hoping that somehow they had made a mistake it hadn’t dawned on me until I woke up from surgery and seen the small little cuts on my abdomen that they made to take you out.

Once again with all the pain I felt numb. I kept getting “sorry for your loss” “I know how you feel” but it really did fall on deaf ears with me I know they are all trying to help but none of them went through what I did.

Going through 7 years of trying ending up going through <a href="">ivf</a> spending all our money, going though all the appointments, tests, treatments, pain and I didn’t even get to find out your gender.

I would do it all again in a heart beat just to see you looking up at me to have you in my arms and to see that empty space become a nursery.