Warning: long post, I just felt like I needed support and I've only ever told one person my full story. I've suffered from depression like symptoms for years. It started when I was in 8th grade when my mom moved us to go live with my step dad in a different state. (around 2006 or 2007) My stepdad was very emotionally abusive and my mom always sided with him. I mean I could be doing homework and he would start yelling at me for no reason until I'd start crying. Then smile and would go on with his day. I didn't know what depression was so I just thought I was emotional. I became very good at putting a mask on to the point that most of my friends had no clue what was going on, and the ones that did know, only knee because I would vent about him to them. I went to college in another state and was in a bad relationship for two years. it started off well but then he got controlling. I was forced to work out 5-6 days weekly, controlled what I ate how much and when all because he didn't want me to get fat like his mom, during arguments he would throw anything and everything at me, he would call me stupid, and he hit me once (that was one form of abuse I didn't put up with, wish I had been smart enough to not put up with any of it) When I finally broke up with him, I lost everything. All of my "friends" hated me and left me. I will admit I lost it for awhile there and became that crazy ex. But part of me feels like that's what happens when someone controls you for so long and the rest of me knows I'm the only one to blame. But I spiraled after all of that. I got an ESA in 2013 to try to help but it only did some. I was in denial for so long. And just dealt with it on my own. I'm married with on child now, but recently things hit an all time low. For about three weeks now I have been on a constant downward spiral. But I finally got scared of where my thoughts are taking me and am going to an actual doctor for help on Monday. But I am constantly crying, numb, tired, sad, angry, anxious, and so many other things. I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to be there for my child the way she deserves. I don't have any friends still and my family is not the best. other than my husband I feel extremely alone. I feel guilty getting help because we can't afford it but my husband keeps telling me I'm worth it even though I don't feel like I am. I'm just so tired of having to put on this mask for everyone and pretending to be this super happy person. because I'm not.