Another loss 😔

I don’t know where to start, or how to come to terms with it. But for the third time I can feel my uterus rejecting my poppy seed sized baby. ANOTHER CHEMICAL PREGNANCY?! why?

I was 7 days late for my period, I have had a stressful month after losing my job and having almost no one to help me get back on my feet or even be there emotionally. So I ovulated very late into my cycle, and I had stopped testing because I had given up and getting pregnant was the least of my worries. So that morning I tested with my trusty first response early results test, BFN. That’s ok so I went and I laid back in bed, and it hits me. My boobs are freaking killing me and I’m exhausted from doing absolutely nothing I’ve only just woken up for Pete’s sake! So I waited 3 hours and out of frustration I tested thinking it would be another BFN but I have 5 more tests so why not? Well I sit there and I watch the control line pop up and a couple more seconds pass and I see the test line pop up! I’m pregnant? Me? The one who’s been trying for 3 freaking years to have a baby? It’s not possible. So I test about 4 more times that day with 2 positives and 2 negatives and the negative tests don’t bother me because I’ve been stress testing all day and I’ve not been holding my wee for long enough to even see a second line because I’m so early. I told my mum that I’m pregnant and she’s absolutely over the moon and she starts planning a whole bunch of stuff and she got me excited, told my brother and sister that I was expecting and word quickly spread through my small family. I was very cautious no to get too excited. Skip to the next day and my tests aren’t getting darker, I google the crap out of it and find as many excuses as I can as to why my tests aren’t getting darker and I calm myself down. I tested later that night and got a pretty good looking positive so I was happy enough with myself to go back to sleep. Fast forward to the next day (today) and I woke up and tested and I had another faint line, I was happy because it was a BFN for the past two morning so that to me was progress. I went out for breakfast with my partner and started getting some cramping and I got a horrible headache and I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. So we get home and I pee for about the tenth time and I just knew something was wrong, I was scared to wipe. But I do so, and I look down and I see blood on the toilet paper. And I immediately break down. So again I google search every reason as to why I’m bleeding and search for the positive stories, the ones with happy endings.

But for me there is no happy ending here, because right now I feel the horrible cramps ripping through my uterus and taking my little dot away from me. I’ve had to pull out pads when I thought I wouldn’t be seeing them again for a long time, I’ve had to ring my family and tell them that “I’ve lost it” while bursting into tears. I keep hearing “it will be okay” and yes while that is true I’m sick of the disappointment. I didn’t even test early because my period was a week late at this stage. And I have doctors on Wednesday but I feel like there’s just no point, I feel like having a breakdown because this was the icing on the cake. What a way to end a shitty month. I give up, I’m going on birth control. I took a test tonight on an internet cheapie and it was the first time a line has popped up on those type of tests and I’m not even going to try and trick myself into thinking that there will still be a baby because that’s just me being cruel to myself. For now my boobs are still sore, and I still have a headache. I just wish there was more I could do to stop this all from happening, I prayed to my baby and asked it to stay because I have wanted it for so long. But god had other plans, and maybe it’s just not my time.

I just had to vent, I’m sorry for the long post. My boyfriend is just annoying me because he can’t seem to do anything right to support me while I’m going through this and it’s all just so frustrating 😭 but goodbye little dot, you were already so loved ❤️