Another loss šŸ˜”

I donā€™t know where to start, or how to come to terms with it. But for the third time I can feel my uterus rejecting my poppy seed sized baby. ANOTHER CHEMICAL PREGNANCY?! why?

I was 7 days late for my period, I have had a stressful month after losing my job and having almost no one to help me get back on my feet or even be there emotionally. So I ovulated very late into my cycle, and I had stopped testing because I had given up and getting pregnant was the least of my worries. So that morning I tested with my trusty first response early results test, BFN. Thatā€™s ok so I went and I laid back in bed, and it hits me. My boobs are freaking killing me and Iā€™m exhausted from doing absolutely nothing Iā€™ve only just woken up for Peteā€™s sake! So I waited 3 hours and out of frustration I tested thinking it would be another BFN but I have 5 more tests so why not? Well I sit there and I watch the control line pop up and a couple more seconds pass and I see the test line pop up! Iā€™m pregnant? Me? The one whoā€™s been trying for 3 freaking years to have a baby? Itā€™s not possible. So I test about 4 more times that day with 2 positives and 2 negatives and the negative tests donā€™t bother me because Iā€™ve been stress testing all day and Iā€™ve not been holding my wee for long enough to even see a second line because Iā€™m so early. I told my mum that Iā€™m pregnant and sheā€™s absolutely over the moon and she starts planning a whole bunch of stuff and she got me excited, told my brother and sister that I was expecting and word quickly spread through my small family. I was very cautious no to get too excited. Skip to the next day and my tests arenā€™t getting darker, I google the crap out of it and find as many excuses as I can as to why my tests arenā€™t getting darker and I calm myself down. I tested later that night and got a pretty good looking positive so I was happy enough with myself to go back to sleep. Fast forward to the next day (today) and I woke up and tested and I had another faint line, I was happy because it was a BFN for the past two morning so that to me was progress. I went out for breakfast with my partner and started getting some cramping and I got a horrible headache and I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. So we get home and I pee for about the tenth time and I just knew something was wrong, I was scared to wipe. But I do so, and I look down and I see blood on the toilet paper. And I immediately break down. So again I google search every reason as to why Iā€™m bleeding and search for the positive stories, the ones with happy endings.

But for me there is no happy ending here, because right now I feel the horrible cramps ripping through my uterus and taking my little dot away from me. Iā€™ve had to pull out pads when I thought I wouldnā€™t be seeing them again for a long time, Iā€™ve had to ring my family and tell them that ā€œIā€™ve lost itā€ while bursting into tears. I keep hearing ā€œit will be okayā€ and yes while that is true Iā€™m sick of the disappointment. I didnā€™t even test early because my period was a week late at this stage. And I have doctors on Wednesday but I feel like thereā€™s just no point, I feel like having a breakdown because this was the icing on the cake. What a way to end a shitty month. I give up, Iā€™m going on birth control. I took a test tonight on an internet cheapie and it was the first time a line has popped up on those type of tests and Iā€™m not even going to try and trick myself into thinking that there will still be a baby because thatā€™s just me being cruel to myself. For now my boobs are still sore, and I still have a headache. I just wish there was more I could do to stop this all from happening, I prayed to my baby and asked it to stay because I have wanted it for so long. But god had other plans, and maybe itā€™s just not my time.

I just had to vent, Iā€™m sorry for the long post. My boyfriend is just annoying me because he canā€™t seem to do anything right to support me while Iā€™m going through this and itā€™s all just so frustrating šŸ˜­ but goodbye little dot, you were already so loved ā¤ļø