AF due today (hopefully not)

My cycles are semi-irregular, so I’m not going to test until the 4th if AF doesn’t show up, or the 11th if it still doesn’t show up. My longest cycle ever was 54 days, average cycle being 34. So. I don’t want to test at all, if I’m honest. I don’t want to see a negative. I don’t want that disappointment. I know that I’ll have to at some point tho. Ugh. Anyone else?