hello, so i’m a bit scared to post but i have no where else to go where i feel comfortable.

please delete this post if it’s not allowed or is not the right place to post, i’m just looking for help.

i got pregnant to my recently ex boyfriend. he was an abusive, controlling and manipulative person who i’m glad is out of my life but unfortunately, i found out that i’m pregnant with his baby which i just do not want!!

here’s the thing, i haven’t had an pregnancy symptoms, besides missed period but i was used to that because of the amount of stress he has caused me. i haven’t thrown up, i haven’t had sore boobs and haven’t noticed different in size as i’m already a DD/E. i had no clue what’s so ever and i feel so stupid. i recently found out i’m 19 weeks, roughly. i do not want this baby! i can’t have him in my life and i’m not mentally and physically prepared for this as i’m still young and as i mentioned he nor his family are fit to be looking after a baby/ having his own baby. he uses drugs (weed, crack, pills and so on) weekly. i have 101 reason why i just can’t have this baby.

when we were about a year into our relationship we’d talk about having a baby and we both wanted it but as he became more aggressive, violent, drugged and so on the less and less i wanted it too the point i didn’t have sex with him for months after months, no matter how hard he tried to force it basically. he never wore a condom nor did he “pull out” i was on the pill but very forgetful and wanted to go on the rod to ensure he couldn’t get me pregnant but it happened before i ever got too that point of getting it. he would continue to try and make “me horny” to the point where i’d just force myself to be okay with it. i told him, i do NOT want a baby with him anymore, i do NOT want to start a family so young as i have so much in my life to learn and do first. i have told him and he doesn’t care, doesn’t check up on me and when him and i have an argument he’ll bring up the baby saying that i’m stuck with him for 18 years and i can’t leave him (as a friend). i saw him recently and he was on drugs (crack) and i was with a friend who knows about the baby and he didn’t once ask me how i was dealing with or even wanted to know anything really! he has left me with this massive problem and i can’t handle it anymore. i wake up everyday crying and wanting it gone. i just need help on how to lose it and i really don’t want to sound heartless as i know so many women would LOVE to be in my place and i wish i could give that too them but i can’t. i’m too young to just live with this “mistake”. i’m at a dead in end life and everyday is becoming more and more of a struggle. please help with advice of how to just end this, so i can never be stupid enough to let it happen again until i’m 100% ready for it. please.